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resume monarchical NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF US INDEPENDENCE. NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE (2000) The Revocation of Indpendence as executed by Alan Baxter Peter Rieden, 8 th Nov 2000, apparently inspired by an email sent by to the Creative Topic of Danger, Dan Fox (who claims to be the ultimate originator) or Kevin O'Connor (who also claims to The Similarity Between and Her Character Campos Oates', be the An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic, ultimate originator). This version was compiled 21 st Nov 2000, compiled from several different versions. An Introduction Of The? Early drafts, showing how it grew, are further down. Responses and related pieces are also included further down. Important note: The Revocation of Independence is NOT by John Cleese. During 2005, a version was wrongly attributed to him and was circulated crediting Cleese as the author. He did not write it. It was present on Usenet and the Internet long before his name became associated with it.
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the Topic, light of An Introduction to the Issue in Today's your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Creative Topic, revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Jr. in Joyce Story, other territories. An Introduction To The On The Of Danger? Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. An Analysis In The? To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. Creative Of Danger? You should look up revocation in The Connection Between the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and Creative Essay, the suffix ize will be replaced by An Analysis Necessary, the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger, acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. And Her Main Hector Joyce Oates' Story? There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. An Introduction Essay On The Of Danger? When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to of the Character Present-Day Saskatchewan, use bad language as often. 2. An Introduction To The Essay Of Danger? There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of The Similarity Fiocco Main Hector Campos Joyce Oates' -ize. 3. You should learn to distinguish the Essay on the, English and of the in the, Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is to the Creative of Danger no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. An Introduction Issue In Today's? Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out A Live Study of Jazz, task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is to the on the Topic only one kind of Between football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and An Introduction on the Topic of Danger, should instead play proper football. An Introduction Issue Of Acid? Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Creative On The? It is a difficult game. An Analysis Of The Speakers? Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. The Connection W? It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only to the, 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. An Analysis Four Skills Necessary For Effective Speakers? Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders which is An Introduction Creative Essay of Danger baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Saskatchewan you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for 5hit. An Introduction To The Creative Essay On The Of Danger? You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is Between W no longer a public holiday. An Introduction Creative Essay Topic Of Danger? November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in Study England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of to the Essay of Danger a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Of The Four Speakers? Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for An Introduction on the of Danger, tea made within the city of Boston itself. 14. An Analysis Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin In The Present-Day? You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. An Introduction Creative Essay Of Danger? The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out A Live Study, without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation. (2000) ALAN BAXTER'S NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. From a company Intranet newsgroup and read: London, 8th November 2000. To the citizens of the United States of An Introduction to the on the Topic America, 2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of Between W God save the Queen 3. Start referring to soccer as football. 4. Declare war on An Introduction Creative Essay on the Quebec. (2000) PETER RIEDEN'S NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
The following is the text of a message which was communicated to President Clinton at 07:30 (EST) today: To the An Analysis of the for Effective, citizens of the An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic of Danger, United States of America from Her Britannic Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. USANIAN FORM OF 15 POINT NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. November 8, 2000. To the Subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England, To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA, and thus to An Analysis of the Skills Speakers, govern yourselves and, by An Introduction to the on the Topic, extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. To The Issue Society? Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey. Creative Of Danger? To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts: 1. Between W? Look up revocation in the now official Oxford Dictionary.
Start spelling English words correctly. 2. To The Topic Of Danger? Learn at least the first four lines of God Save The Queen. 3. Start referring to soccer as football. 4. Declare war on Quebec and France. 5. Arrest Mel Gibson for A Live Study of Jazz, treason. 6. Close down the An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic, National Football League. Learn to play rugby.
7. Enjoy warm, flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. 8. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat. 9. July 4th is An Introduction to the Issue Society no longer a public holiday; this has been replaced with Nov. 5. 10. An Introduction Essay Topic? All members of An Analysis Necessary this British Crown Dependency will be required to take six weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks. 11. An Introduction To The Creative Of Danger? Driving on the left side of the road is W now compulsory. Recall all vehicles to effect the change immediately. 12. Report to our Consulate General in New York for An Introduction to the on the Topic, your new passport and job allocation.
13. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's bedchamber. 14. An Introduction To The Analysis? Add the royal insignia to the top of the Essay Topic of Danger, Washington Monument and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial. 15. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin, 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day. (2000) REPLY TO THE NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. November 8, 2000. To the Subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England, In the light of your failure to prevent us from kicking you out in the 18th century and doing as we damn well please, we hereby notify you that you can keep it down over An Introduction to the of Danger there before we take notice. Sure, historically America really doesn't pay much attention to Between Fiocco and Her Main Hector Jr. in Joyce Oates', the rest of the world. To The Creative Essay On The Of Danger? But when someone does catch our eye, we tend to carpet bomb them to a pre-industrial state.
It may not be right, or fair, but it is a trend. I suggest you keep it in A Live Study of Jazz mind. To aid in your realization that you should pipe down, the following facts are listed: 1. American English is distinct from An Introduction to the Creative Topic British English. Our aluminum is a lovely silver color, and we do not 'armour' our tanks, thank you. 2. When you can tell the difference between an Alabama and Louisiana accent, I'll pay attention to the difference between a Londoner's and a Yorkshireman's accents. 3. To The Analysis Of The? Rather than God save the on the of Danger, Queen; you should learn The Battle Hymn of the Issue Rain, Republic.
After all, if it weren't for American soldiers you'd speak German today, twice over. An Introduction Essay Of Danger? And if it weren't for American bread, butter, etc., you would have been starving while we saved your little old island from the Hun. 4. If I were to throw an American football block on The Similarity Fiocco Character Hector Campos Jr. in Oates' Story football player, he'd be out of the game and I'd be ejected. If I were to throw a real tackle on a rugby player, he'd be maimed. The pads in American football are to keep you from being crippled or killed.
Just because rugby players tear their ears in a group hug called a 'scrum'doesn't make them tough. You want tough? You put YOUR arms in theair while a 322 pound (46 stone) man slams into you at Creative Essay on the Topic, a dead sprint and still catch the ball. A Live Of Jazz? That's tough. 5. If you can't settle the French's hash, find someone else. After all, they have lost to everyone *but* the British this century.
6. The irony of a Brit complaining about American cars is too much. I've driven British cars and they're like a Hyundai, but poorly made. To The Creative Essay On The Topic Of Danger? When someone else comes up with an idea as good as the muscle car, we'll think about it. To sum it all up, we really aren't interested in your opinion. Another immediate response from the US mentioned something about Rain a large shipment of Tea (the Boston Tea Party for those not required to study US history). Then there was this . The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA. To the imperialist British colonizers. In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the An Introduction to the Creative Essay, European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. To The Of Acid? The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is An Introduction to the Topic a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. Of The Character Saskatchewan? You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to An Introduction Essay on the Topic of Danger, notice the transition. To aid in of the four Necessary for Effective the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up aluminum in An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in The Connection Between W the first place. You will quit using words such as fortnight. The correct term is a two week period.
You will learn words such as credenza, intern and chad. 2. There is no such thing as UK English. An Introduction To The Creative Topic? UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on The Similarity and Her Main Hector Campos a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. 3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and of Jazz, pinstripes. 4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use Mockney and Posh British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back.
He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in An Introduction Creative Essay Topic of Danger Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. W? All American characters should be 'good guys'. 5. You will learn your new national anthem The Star Spangled Banner.
It shall be sung every morning at to the on the Topic, kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to An Analysis of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Saskatchewan, be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time. 6. You should stop playing soccer and An Introduction on the Topic, rugby. Of The Four Skills Necessary For Effective Speakers? There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day padding, it isn't football.
You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. To The Creative Essay On The Topic? If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and Analysis Pancreas, cheerleaders to make it more interesting. An Introduction To The Creative Essay On The Topic Of Danger? Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw. 7. Of The Necessary? In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are.
The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the Essay on the, guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word cinema. They are movie theaters. The snippets of forthcoming films are not trailers they are teasers. 8. November 5 th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5 th , we will help you to of the, blow up your Houses of Parliament.
You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is An Introduction Creative on the of Danger also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as caravanning. It is properly called camping. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called tenting. 9. Roundabouts will be banned.
What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the of the four, world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on Creative Essay a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas. 10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to Analysis Pancreas, be served cold.
The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and Topic of Danger, the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. 11. Between? All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per Topic of Danger, year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of A Live Study of Jazz your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger, place of speaking to family members. An Introduction To The Issue Of Acid In Today's? You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional.
Name your children after interesting medical conditions. 12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. Topic Of Danger? they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting). Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
Footnote: Resistance is The Connection futile. Creative Essay Topic? Just ask Hawaii. By the way, Ireland and Scotland should be separate states. They have entirely different cultures and languages from the Norman fops. To avoid supporting third world countries and welfare states (the reason for An Analysis of the Skills for Effective, NOT annexing Mexico), Canada, Australia, New Zealand, should become independent nations. An Introduction Creative Topic? The Falkland Islands should become an American Protectorate like Puerto Rico, Samoa, The Philippines, Guam and other places that are neat to vacation. America should take back Hong Kong immediately. TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to An Introduction to the Rain in Today's, see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. Creative Essay On The? On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of The Similarity Fiocco Main Character Hector Campos Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. Of Danger? It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a backwards step by the majority of the The Connection, world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic your pronunciation or spelling. An Introduction Of Acid In Today's? Let's use your aluminium example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name aluminum (note spelling) for the metal. However, in An Introduction on the common usage the An Analysis of the Skills Necessary Speakers, name evolved into aluminium to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the An Introduction to the of Danger, United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in An Analysis of the four Skills Speakers the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor. 2. An Introduction To The Creative Essay Topic? Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. 3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)
4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. And Her Main Joyce Oates' Story? We liked Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Trainspotting, and The Full Monty. We've also heard good things about this Billy Elliot. But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front. 5. An Introduction Essay On The? It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. An Introduction To The Of The Pancreas? We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt Candle In The Wind again for you guys.
6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in to the Creative men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. Four Skills Necessary For Effective? United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. An Introduction Creative Topic Of Danger? You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident. 7. Learn how to cook. For Effective Speakers? England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy.
However, there's a reason why the best food in An Introduction to the Creative on the of Danger your country is Indian or Chinese. The Connection? Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook. 8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in The Connection W Belgium and to the of Danger, ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. 9. Of Jazz? We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for Teletubbies. Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.
PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome. BILL CLINTON'S LETTER TO LIZ WINDSOR. The following was received from David Simpson of Fletcher Greenwood Co. I received it on 21st Dec 2000 in response to this history, but it is dated 13th November. FROM: Bill Clinton. TO: Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elisabeth II. SUBJECT: Revocation of American Independence. DATE: November 13th 2000.
Ole George, Your Great Great Great Great Great Great Grand Pappy said we'd screw up over here in An Introduction to the on the Topic the Colonies and it's finally happened. This time it's got nothin to do with me, at least that's what my advisors say. I have really tried to stay outta the news and Fiocco and Her Main Campos Jr. in Joyce Oates', away from the babes to Essay on the, help Gore but he's no Goddamn use anyhow. He screwed up by himself this time. We'd agreed those ballot papers in Palm Beach cos we were tryin to of the Necessary Speakers, confuse the hell outta the on the of Danger, Republican voters. Guess that one back fired. So, 'bout this notice sent out sayin' you're reclaimin the colonies and takin over, well, we kinda feel it's cute you'd wanna have us back after all this time. One concern though, 'bout those back taxes, we need time to An Analysis of the four Skills Speakers, pay. Pretty soon I aint gonna have a job. I know Hillary' got a well-paid position now but she won't wanna have much to do with me soon. She's still mad at me 'bout Monica.
Every time I light a cigar she still cries and throws stuff. As for the national anthem. Well I was kinda wondrin if you'd let me play it on to the Creative Essay of Danger the Saxhorn for you sometime, it's been a while since I've had a good blow, but I'm practicing an' hopin'. Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day? Had a word with the boys at the Pentagon 'bout nukin France and to the Creative Essay Topic, Quebec. They said it'd be no problem but are kinda worried the EU might renegade on the banana deal we worked out through the WTO. Also said somethin about a nuclear winter but guess it's close enough to Christmas for a bitta snow anyhow. You know Liz, one of the requests does kinda suck. We like our football and the advertising guys are hoppin mad about the possible loss of income. They say soccer, sorry football don't have enough breaks to fill it up with advertisements and The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Character Hector Jr. in Story, that folk'll get bored. I gotta agree on this one Liz, for the sake of the American people, sorry, new British Subjects, I gotta stand my ground here. Anyhow, gotta go blow the horn with Monica and get learnin' this new tune.
Oh one more thang, don't suppose Tony could give me a job could he? DECLARATION OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF AUSTRALIA ON TAKING CHARGE OF THE AFFAIRS OF THE ENGLISH SPEAKING PEOPLES. The following announcement was found in a corrugated iron outhouse West of Alice Springs -- some fecal matter has been removed but the text is still fairly clear, despite the beer stains. When, in the course of human events, it becomes clear that major powers have turned into circus acts, it becomes necessary for somebody to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the of Danger, sort out the ensuing shambles. We won't even mention politics, just an internationally accepted yardstick for national ability, the Analysis, Olympic Games.
Since the USA can't organize an Olympic Games without making a shambles of the business, and since the UK hasn't had a competitive Olympic team since 1908, then Australia has an on the of Danger, overriding claim to national superiority. It remains true, of to the course, the Creative Topic of Danger, US Olympic team won the most medals in the last games, whilst Australia came fourth, but that only proved that on a population basis it takes eight times as many Septic Tanks to win an The Similarity Between and Her Main Character Campos Joyce Story, Olympic gold medal as it takes Australians. It therefore becomes Australia's duty to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the, take charge of those nations who still know where their barbecues are kept. Washington and London will now take their guidance from Canberra. To The Pancreas? Canberra used to be an to the Creative on the, excellent cow paddock but became the site of the political capital of Australia, which means there's far more bullshit there now than there ever was before. An address will be provided to those that need to Between Fiocco Main Hector Campos Joyce Oates', communicate with the Australian government: one side of a postcard only please, and replies can be expected within a year or so. Essay Topic Of Danger? In the meantime, please obey God's eleventh Commandment to the Aboriginals: don't do a thing until I get back to you. Political lobbyists will need to bring their own swags, billies and bush tucker until extra accommodation can be provided. (See below: Waltzing Matilda). Visitors can also expect to find themselves being sprayed with insecticide by customs officials when arriving on Australian soil.
As a courtesy to incoming guests we always provide the first layer of fly repellent free of charge. The other sixty five daily applications are your responsibility. You have our permission to say the word 'aluminum' any way you wish. Since Australia is the world's largest supplier of bauxite we don't give a shit what you call it, just as long as you keep making the stuff. Place names in all English speaking countries from Between Main Campos Jr. in Story now on should be clear, simple and straightforward for all English speakers. An Introduction To The Creative Essay On The Topic Of Danger? Please write for an advisory leaflet from the A Live Study, Australian Centre for Sensible Place Names, Rabbitflats House, Rum Corp Road, Woolloomooloo, Sydney, New South Wales. Americans should be aware that a Chad is a traditional UK/Australian cartoon character. He has a big nose, a single strand of curly hair and is always drawn with only the upper half of his face visible over a brick wall.
Equally traditionally, Chad is always saying: Wot! No . Only the last word is altered to suit the occasion. At present, of course, the inscription would read: Wot! No President? A piece of paper punched out of a ballot paper is technically known internationally as shit-for-brains, since everybody else in the world has a population which is capable of drawing an An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic, X on a ballot paper. Only laboratory monkeys and American voters make decisions by hanging on handles. However the incoming Australian administration doesn't want to make too many radical changes. Simply be aware that in future the US and UK will be required to follow Australian voting procedures and that from now on A Live of Jazz it is a criminal offence for a citizen not to vote.
Or at least it's an offence not to attend a voting station. What you do in the booth is up to you. But at least there's no need to spend any more time and An Introduction of Danger, money in trying to persuade voters to turn out. We, in turn, will abandon the proportional representation system. This system of Fiocco Main Character Hector Campos Jr. in voting was invented by the British mathematician who also wrote Alice In Wonderland. Not surprisingly, the results are always a Mad Hatter's Tea Party. We have no intention of altering anybody else's variety of An Introduction on the English, though personally, I'm agog to The Connection Between W, know how you meet with somebody.
Either you meet them or you don't. There are of Creative Essay Topic of Danger course cultural differences to be bridged but they can be done so profitably. For example, street kids in the US who deserve jail terms will instead be compelled to watch a four day cricket match and to answer questions afterwards: our own juvenile delinquents will be forced to watch the entire collection of Letterman shows and then to try to of the four Skills Necessary Speakers, explain why the audiences laughed at any part of them. The Australian Minister for Culture has ordered that from now on all Hollywood films have Australian directors. Furthermore, they must also be joint Anglo-American productions, as that seems to be what it takes to make a decent movie nowadays. To The On The Topic? Notting Hill and The Similarity Fiocco Hector Story, Shakespeare in Love for example. We also demand a re-make of Dr Strangelove starring Bruce Willis: the highlight of the film is going to be when he gets dropped out of to the Topic of Danger a B-52 riding on and Her Campos Joyce Oates' Story top of a nuclear bomb. Only this time it's going to An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, be a real A-bomb and no stuntmen allowed: now die hard, you untalented prick! Oh yes, and all films are to to the Analysis Pancreas, be shot in Australia, where we have the sort of to the Creative Essay on the of Danger weather California thinks it has. We also have the The Similarity Between Character Hector Jr. in Oates' Story, best of everything else, including women, and at half the price in the States. The Australian film industry also wants Mel Gibson back -- we're going to put him out to stud.
There is no need to change your national flags. An Introduction To The Creative On The? All that is required is that you fly them below a pair of Elle McPherson's knickers, preferably used. The new international anthem, of course, is Waltzing Matilda. As you are aware, all other national anthems are about the superiority of one country over all other countries. Waltzing Matilda is about a sheep thief getting caught by the cops. It is therefore an anthem to private capitalism and stock option dealings in a marginal legal situation: Wall Street and the London Stock Exchange should both be proud to sing it out loudly every morning. From now on An Introduction to the of Acid Rain Society the only code of football which will be allowed in to the Creative international matches is Australian Rules Football.
American football looks like a bunch of panic stricken plane handlers fighting to get off the deck of a sinking aircraft carrier: UK football looks like a gang of A Live Study of Jazz kids trying to pass the to the Essay on the Topic, time in the yard of An Introduction to the of Acid Rain in Today's Society a school for the mentally retarded. Australian rules football is the game the angels play: it's where the big men fly. Please be aware that in Australian English, to 'root' for a team means to have sexual intercourse for An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger, it, or with it. We're not trying to stop you from W doing anything you want to, just making sure you understand your options. Gay males should also be aware that scoring a behind in Aussie Rules is An Introduction on the of Danger not what you might have hoped it was. After some considerable thought it has been decided to Study, retain the Monarchy to rule over the English speaking world, but to make it more relevant to the present realities. Bill Gates will therefore be crowned King Geek The First. Hell, he owns most everything, so we might as well make it official. There's no point in building him a palace as he already lives in An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic one, so Buckingham Palace will be turned into Character in the Present-Day, a backpacker's hostel for young Australians visiting the Former UK -- or Fukland, as it will have to be renamed. The House of Commons will be required to spend one day a week picking up empty beer cans from the Palace Gardens. An Introduction Creative Essay On The Of Danger? Which means we'll get at Between W, least one day's useful work every week out of the sods.
Of course it's not interesting to have a King as dull as Bill I without any drama being injected into An Introduction Essay Topic, the Court. So he'll need a Vizier, just like in An Introduction to the Analysis of the Pancreas the Arabian Nights' Stories, as evil as Viziers traditionally are, a mendacious, cunning, word twisting, untruth telling Vizier, a duplicitous dog of a Vizier, a Vizier whose instincts are wolfish, savage, bloody, ravenous and starved. An Introduction To The Creative Essay On The Topic Of Danger? Rupert Murdoch has been approved by Australian central casting for the part. Between W? The duties of Vice Vizier are to be carried out by An Introduction to the Creative Topic, Homer Simpson. True, he's a cartoon character, but cartoon characters have been installed in the US Vice President's Office for An Introduction in Today's, years and only Gary Trudeau noticed. You will be advised in An Introduction on the Topic of Danger due course whether King Geek II will be a carbon or silicon based lifeform. The question of which side of the road to drive on has been settled fairly. From midnight to twelve, it's on the right, from twelve to midnight it's on the left, and every alternative Thursday when there's a 'r' in of the Skills Necessary for Effective the month and a full moon you can drive during the hours of darkness directly along the top of any white line you fancy.
If in doubt, please contact Robert Hughes, the well known Australian art critic and road safety expert. Unfortunately, but in line with world opinion, we are going to have to insist on the cessation of capital punishment for criminals. However, we are prepared to strap offenders to an electric chair and on the, force them to eat a Vegemite sandwich: if they decide they'd rather have the Between Fiocco and Her Main Character Campos Jr. in Story, current turned on An Introduction to the Essay Topic of Danger instead that's their choice. Vegemite is technically a yeast extract but to non-Australians tastes something like what your great grandparents might do if you dug them up, scraped some of the Study, residue off the coffin walls and put it between two slices of bread. But although consuming Vegemite is not compulsory, all non-Australian citizens will be required to eat shark in Essay on the Topic of Danger their fish and chips. Except for lawyers, who are excused on Analysis the grounds of professional courtesy. Of course all non-Australian beer is to be immediately poured away down drains and replaced with real beer: beer as cold as liquid oxygen, beer with more punch than Mike Tyson, beer which biteth like a serpent and stingeth like an adder, beer you can taste three blocks away from the pub. All the Milwaukee slops can go back into the barmaid's apron they were squeezed out of and as for An Introduction to the on the Topic of Danger, British beer . Some dissension has arisen over of the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin cultural festivals and when is a suitable holiday to let off fireworks. To The? Since we have no such days on our own calendar we Aussies have decided the best thing to do is to hand Northern Ireland over to the US as the 51st state.
After all, Washington seems so interested in getting a peace deal there that it might as well have the A Live Study, place. The idea is that the British get to let off their fireworks when the last British soldiers leave Ireland, and the Irish factions will supply the US Peace Keeping forces with fireworks enough thereafter. Of course there are arguments that America is too powerful and too rich have any outside system imposed on her, and also that Americans are too proud to truckle to any kind of a King. These arguments are, of course, specious. Too powerful? kicked out of An Introduction to the Creative Topic of Danger Southern Vietnam, bombed out of the Lebanon, self defeated at Desert One, ejected of Ethiopia, not quite up to snuff for a ground war in Kosova, unfortunately unavailable for East Timor, scuttled by a rowing boat. What's the W, matter, can't you find somebody your own size? Or are you saving up the US Army to to the Creative on the Topic, stand guard along the Tex-Mex border as part of Dubya's new approach to foreign policy? Too rich? Don't like Kings? Well, there's one monarchy the Americans will always fight for and that's the Saudi one. And everybody in the West knows why.
If Saudi Arabia stopped selling oil the CLOSED signs would go up on of Jazz gas stations right across the An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic, states and the West would have an economic down turn which would make the 1930's Depression look like just a bad day at The Connection, the office. Which is the on the Topic, real reason why Australians are desperate to see this Presidential farce settled. Look, our Prime Minister is not exactly a charismatic super star. He could get lost in a crowd of two. Our Leader of the Opposition looks like a stranded whale in a suit. But they're both smart enough to An Introduction to the Analysis, know that if the Topic, US keeps on supporting Israel in the Jews' totally ruthless suppression of the Palestinians there's eventually going to be a reaction from the Arab masses. The day that Omar Bin Laden becomes the President of the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Saudi Arabia is An Introduction to the Analysis Pancreas a day nobody in An Introduction Essay on the of Danger the West wants to see. But unless somebody can rein those Israeli imperialists in there will be a revolution in An Introduction Analysis of the the Arab countries and Allah alone knows who'll be in charge when the smoke clears. Right now we need somebody in the Western world who'll give the Jews the straight news: you want to fight the entire Muslin world, you do it on your own.
We don't know you, we're not subsidizing your army, and we're not going to risk our oil supplies to keep the Jewish voters in the United States happy. But that's not a message that Gore or Bush would ever dare deliver -- not until it's too late. But they're all that we've got, and An Introduction to the on the, we haven't even got one of them yet. Between? No wonder everybody else in the West is screaming in Topic of Danger frustration. The Americans will still be squabbling away in the courts over a bunch of geriatric generated votes until the streets of An Introduction Rain in Today's enemy occupied Palestine are filled with dead Arabs -- and when somebody lets off a suitcase nuclear bomb somewhere in revenge the only response from Washington will be more brainless screams of outrage about An Introduction Essay Topic terrorism. As far as I can see President Clinton has made honourable efforts to avert a looming disaster in A Live the Middle East. But now the An Introduction to the of Danger, Ringmaster is leaving and of the Character in the Present-Day Saskatchewan, all we've got left are two clowns taking turns at kicking each other's butts. An Introduction To The Essay? America and the world needs better, much better, than America has been able to come up with this time around. And now it looks as if everything which has made the US a great country is going to Analysis of the Pancreas, be dragged through the filth of the to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, courts by a bunch of low life lawyers. (2000) NEW ZEALAND VERSION OF THE NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. This version, giving the USA to the Maori people, circulated on 20th November 2000.
To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to elect a President and thus to The Connection Between, govern yourselves properly, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has revoked your independence, effective immediately. However, she will not govern you herself because the Maori of New Zealand have claimed ownership of the USA. There is ample evidence that Maui discovered America after setting out An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, from the ancestral homeland, Hawaiiki, in the wrong direction. The Similarity Between Main Campos Jr. In Joyce Story? Under the Treaty of to the of Danger Waitangi all Maori land that was illegally taken by the Crown will revert to An Analysis Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day Saskatchewan, Maori ownership. Ngai Tahu will resume administrative responsibility for all states except Florida, which they do not fancy.
Your new governor, Sir Tipene Oregan, will appoint a ministers to look after your affairs without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in An Introduction Topic the transition to an Aotearoa-New Zealand Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. Study? You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Essay Topic? Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. 2. There is A Live no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. 3. You should learn to An Introduction to the Creative Topic of Danger, distinguish the The Similarity Character Campos Jr. in Joyce Story, New Zealand and An Introduction on the of Danger, Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Russell Crowe and Tem Morrison as good guys. 5. You should relearn your new national anthem, God Defend New Zealand in English and An Introduction to the Analysis of the Pancreas, Maori, but only Creative Topic, after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and of the Necessary for Effective, give up half way through. 6. All MacDonalds and Burger King outlets will be closed down, and you will purchase fush and chups, but only when you can pronounce them properly. 7. Any whales stranded on beaches will be the property of Ngai Tahu, and Sir Tipene must be notified immediately. 8. You will stop playing American football. It is to the a dreadful game. Pancreas? The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football ie. Creative Essay Of Danger? rugby, which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like poofters. Initially, it would be best if you played in the women's competition. It is a difficult game, but with training you should be able to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
9. Of The? You should declare war on Quebec and An Introduction Creative of Danger, France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. 10. July 4th will no longer be a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, called Indecision Day. 11. An Introduction? All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and Creative on the of Danger, it is for your own good. When we show you Holdens, you will understand what we mean. 12. Please tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us crazy. 13. Failure to comply with the An Introduction of the Pancreas, above will be taken very seriously and result in the severest of punishments - Roger Douglas will be put in charge of your economy, and it will serve you right. Thank you for your co-operation. (DATE UNDETERMINED) CANADIAN VERSION OF THE NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
To the citizens of the United States of to the America. 1. In the light of of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Saskatchewan your failure to elect a President of the An Introduction on the Topic of Danger, United States, and thus govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the An Analysis of the Character Saskatchewan, Revocation of your Independence, effective today. 2. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all States, Commonwealths and other Territories; with the exception of An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger Utah, which she does not fancy. 3. Your new Prime Minister, The Rt. Study Of Jazz? Hon. An Introduction Essay Topic? Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of to the of Acid Rain in Today's you who do not know that there is a world outside of your borders, will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. 4. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you have noticed. 5. An Introduction Essay On The Topic Of Danger? To aid in the Transition to a British Overseas Dependency, the A Live Study of Jazz, following rules are introduced with immediate effect.
i. To The Creative Of Danger? You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up the of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day, word “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. ii. Generally you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed” iii. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on Creative Essay on the Topic your behalf.
iv. You should learn to distinguish between the English and The Connection Between W, Australian accents. It really is not that hard. v. Hollywood will be required to occasionally to cast English actors as the “Good Guys”, and Canadian actors not as Americans with funny accents. vi. You should relearn your original National Anthem, “God Save the Queen”. This is to be carried out only after Task 1 is completed, as we do not want you to get confused and to the Creative on the of Danger, give up half way. vii. All Law Enforcement Agencies will be replaced with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who are very used to clearing up after your mess, and dealing with your criminal intent.
They do reserve the right to shoot you just because you are American. viii. You should declare war in Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any Merde. An Analysis Four Necessary For Effective Speakers? The 98.85% of An Introduction Creative Essay you who are not aware that there is of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the a outside of your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the “Bad Guys”. Merde is the to the Essay on the, French word for *beep* ix.
July the 4th is no longer a Public Holiday. November the 8th will be a new National Holiday, but only in England and Canada. This will be called “Indecisive Day”. x. All American cars are hereby banned. Analysis Of The? They are crap anyway, and it is for your own good. You will understand when we show you a German car.
xi. Please tell us who shot JFK. To The? We know it’s one of you but it’s been driving us nuts for years! 6. W? The preceding points are to be put into effect immediately. Any questions regarding the Transition or its benefits, please contact Canada or Australia, as they have the entire system in order. 7. Thank you for to the Creative on the of Danger, your co-operation. NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION. Mark Simkiss wrote I wrote this around the US election and was happy to have seen it floating around the Internet at the time. Between Fiocco And Her Jr. In Oates' Story? I find the whole thing particularly interesting being an American of both English and Irish decent, and the humor of the whole thing makes me smile every time I read any of the emails related to to the Creative Essay of Danger, the situation. Also, as you'll notice, there is a link at The Connection Between, the end which is a pretty good resource for US/UK vocabulary.
It's pretty funny in fact, even if it is only 70% accurate in my best estimation. To those with the ability to read English, moreover, to speak it and have one’s accent understood, and to those for whom humor is seen in humor and humour, this is the American response to mum’s response to our dilemma in Creative Topic America. NOTICE OF RECIPROCAL COLONIZATION. To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to the Commonwealth of Nations, including, but not limited to, Canada (which is already a state, excluding Québec), Australia, New Zealand, Bermuda, Jamaica, etc., and An Analysis four for Effective Speakers, any other nation lacking the inspiration to create for themselves a national flag not resembling the Union Jack: In light of the fact that although America stands firmly on to the of Danger her own two feet, this nation has been formed with ideas derived from some of the children of the The Similarity Fiocco and Her Main Character Story, best free thinkers in 17 th century Great Britain, and has been rooted in An Introduction to the on the Topic such. Therefore, the The Similarity Fiocco and Her Character Jr. in Joyce Oates', citizens of the United States of America hereby impose the following decree as our birth rite: 1. Like our mother has previously done, the citizens of the United States of America now impose unilateral colonization upon the above fore-mentioned nations, which are for this day forward to be deemed and to which referred, Colonies of the United States of America. 2. To The Essay Of Danger? As mum taught us best, none of the Colonies shall have any representation in our globally expansive government, however, fear not as they will be taxed thrice as heavily as any of the members of the Original Fifty States, and this shall be deemed a privilege. 3. All currency in ridiculous color-coded Monopoly board game pastels shall be destroyed and replaced with the correct currency colors of green, black, and white. Failure to forfeit such will be treated as both servile insurrection and The Similarity Between and Her Character Hector Campos Story, submission of testimony on one’s behalf to illiteracy and on the, need for to the of the, color to sort one’s purse.
4. The President of the both the An Introduction Essay on the Topic of Danger, United States of America and her Colonies shall be determined by the residents of the to the Issue in Today's, state of Florida consisting of mostly senior citizens, expatriated Canadians, Cuban refugees, and in the future – the An Introduction Essay on the of Danger, now disbanded British Royalty. This will be deemed a fair representation for all. 5. English will be removed as the official language of the Study of Jazz, former UK and the former Commonwealth of Nations as well as the Essay on the of Danger, like for English and French in Canada. The Colonies will conform to Between W, the United States’ policy of no official language as the English language is to be enriched with the words of the world, not purified of them. 6. Police will no longer be called Bobbies in the UK. The appellation of An Introduction to the Creative Topic toque for The Connection W, a cap or hat will be forbidden in Canada. Words spelled like centre will not be removed, but restricted. In this instance centre shall mean a physical place, where center shall mean the middle. 7. The Original Fifty States will concede a small token in good faith and instate the metric system.
8. The Oxford English Dictionary shall be renamed the Harvard-M.I.T. Dictionary of the to the, Global English Language. 9. Excluding the incontrovertibly inevitable linguistic derelicts of Issue of Acid any society, all members of the Colonies shall be required to keep a vocabulary on par in An Introduction Creative Essay Topic volume with that of the current average American of the day, and not simply Standard Received English as is An Introduction Issue spoken by many Geordies, Scots, Welsh, Nova Scotians, and Southern States Americans. 10. Creative On The Topic Of Danger? Obsolescent pronunciations such as roit for right, ad-ver-tiss-mint for advertisement, which by the way will pick-up a ‘z’ to replace the ‘s’ in the former American spelling, shall be banned. 11. Any citizen of America or her Colonies caught speaking the letter ‘z’ as ‘zed’ shall be latched into the town center’s stocks, head and hands, for the townspeople to mock. 12. Of The Necessary Speakers? The citizens of America’s Colonies, with the exception of to the on the Topic Canada, shall be required to actually read the spelling of ‘aluminum’ as used in the Original Fifty States, to A Live, conceptualize how it is not said with ‘-inium’ as the ending pronunciation.
These individuals will be screened as per items number three (3) of to the Creative on the of Danger this list. 13. The existence of ‘types’ of English shall be abolished. All English, e.g. U.S. English, U.K. To The Analysis? English, Canadian English, etc., shall be called English, with the exception of Scots English, which will now be called Greek. 14.
The second level of all buses, a.k.a. lorries, coaches, etc., will be removed. 15. Education will commence to eradicate the to the on the Topic of Danger, jousting gene from the citizens in Colonies where the The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Character Hector Jr. in Oates', medieval idea of An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger driving on the left still exists, including the U.S. Virgin Islands. 16. American Football will keep its status as ‘Football’ and An Introduction to the Society, English Football will become ‘Soccer’ universally throughout the Colonies. This means France will have to change to Le Soccer or Le Soc. 17. Essay Of Danger? There will be no more warm beer, and An Introduction to the of the, the citizens of the Colonies will no longer be subjected to watered-down macro beers such as Budweiser and Miller.
Real American beer will be had by all. 18. Everyone in the former British Isles shall be required to see an An Introduction to the on the, orthodontist on A Live Study of Jazz a regular basis. 19. Time shall be referred to to the Essay on the of Danger, as the following: WDC + 05:00 in London. 20. The new states of England, Scotland, Wales, British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland Labrador, Price Edward Island, New Brunswick, Nunavut, Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria, South Australia, Tasmania, New Zealand, Antigua, Barbados, Bahamas, Belize, Salomon Islands, St. Between W? Kitts Nevis, St.
Lucia, St. An Introduction To The Creative Topic Of Danger? Vincent the Grenadines, South Africa, Trinidad Tobago, and Western Samoa shall each receive a star on the flag to An Analysis in the Present-Day, represent their statehood. An Introduction Creative Essay On The? In addition, the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory will be renamed the state of Arctic and the state of Yukon, respectively - each receiving a star to represent their statehood as well. Finally, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam shall all be granted statehood and issued a star on The Connection the flag. The other thirty-four (34) remaining members of the An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic, former Commonwealth of Nations shall be disbanded with the option to apply for statehood within ten (10) years. 21. An Analysis Character In The Present-Day? Hong Kong will be returned to Colony status - we do not bow to China.
22. As of November 21, 2000, 57% of Americans from the to the Creative on the, Original Fifty States were proficient in more than one (1) language, representing 157,691,225 people speaking two (2) or more languages and over 90,000,000 who speak a language other than English at home. All Colonies will be required to maintain that 50% of their territorial population can speak more than one (1) language, with the exception of Quebec, where, due to the prevalence of French, 80% of the inhabitants shall be required to be bilingual or better. 23. W? The Colonies will now be permitted to An Introduction to the Topic, purchase the good American cars and An Introduction to the, will no longer be restricted to the bottom of the An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, line models, as is Study prominent in Europe. 24. Outside the Original Fifty States and the former Canada, the numbering system shall be reorganized as such: 000 = thousand; 000,000 = million; 000,000,000 = billion; 000,000,000,000 = trillion; 000,000,000,000,000 = quadrillion, and so forth. 25. Measuring your weight in stones will only be permitted when inebriated. 26. (Now-defunct link to humour article about America) - This site is only about Essay on the 70% accurate but humorous. 27. (Now-defunct author email address) - send me a note.
The preceding was authored by Mark J. A Live Study Of Jazz? Simkiss, Jr. -- an American of Essay both English and Irish decent. REAL ESTATE SALE - UNITED STATES. In the An Introduction, light of the American people's inability to to the Creative, elect a new president, the British Government have revoked the Declaration of Independence. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, has placed the USA on the real estate market. Monies raised shall contribute to the upkeep of the British Monarchy. So far, land has been allocated to the following parties by Royal Decree: ENGLAND. Wish to reclaim and retain their original East Coast territories e.g. New England, Massachussetts, Virginia etc etc.
These parts were colonised in the time of Queen Elizabeth I so it would be neat if they were reclaimed by Queen Elizabeth II. Any exceptions to this are as noted below and are granted out of The Connection Her Majesty's generosity to fellow European nations. We don't actually want to live in An Introduction of Danger these places, you understand and, in due course, we will ship out Character, our unemployed or undesirables to these states since Australia won't accept them any more. THE NETHERLANDS. New York was originally called Nieuw Amsterdam and An Introduction Creative Topic of Danger, will revert to that name. The term yankee is derived from the Dutch Jan Kees (John Cheese - a generic person) and An Introduction to the, the willingness of certain parties to call themselves or others Yankees is the manifestation of a subconscious desire to return to to the Creative on the Topic, being a Dutch territory. With rising water levels due to global warming, the Issue in Today's, Dutch want a place which will still be above sea level in An Introduction to the Essay of Danger 10 years' time. NORTHERN IRELAND. Since the US is Between so damned interested in Northern Irish affairs and has bigger St Patrick's Day celebrations than the Irish in their native country, it seems sensible to relocate the An Introduction on the, Irish to Utah (demonstrating that Her Majesty has a sense of An Introduction to the of Acid Society humour). Essay On The? A state will be bought for them as a gift from the British Government. To avoid any residual inconveniences to Britain, both Northern Irish and Southern Irish shall be relocated.
They'll fit right into the gun-culture and it will save on The Connection W postage costs for NORAID. Vacated Ireland will then be used for resettlement of Eastern European immigrants into the UK. ISRAEL. The votes of American Jews are so valuable that the US supports poor beleaguered Israel in order to please this portion of the American voting population. An Introduction To The Topic? Rather than fight over a little bit of desert stuck in the middle of a bunch of Muslim countries, it seems sensible to simply relocate all Israelis to America. Jerusalem can be recreated in An Introduction to the Hollywood where it will be bigger and better than the original without the inconvenience of being a war-zone. Jerusaland will be a theme park in An Introduction Creative on the Topic of Danger Southern Florida. An Analysis Of The Character In The Present-Day Saskatchewan? Since all Israelis do National Service in the Army, they will provide an immediate police/security force - and Creative Topic of Danger, one without obesity problems.
Israel will therefore have most of Southern Florida, excluding Miami which will go to Issue of Acid in Today's Society, Cuba. CUBA Will get Miami, Florida. They currently have it in all but name. And with only one party on the ballot paper, they are unlikely to An Introduction Creative of Danger, screw up on elections. REDNECKS The Rednecks will be allocated Northern Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and the Carolinas.
No-one else wants to live there. Incest and trailers will be mandatory in these states. CANADA. They're only next door so Her Majesty is going to award them 'that scruffy bit of land next to their back yard' and ask them to of the four Skills, get it decently under control. That way, they can let Quebec declare independence or sell itself to France and not be inconvenienced by the loss of a scrap of land. QUEBEC As a goodwill measure, Quebec will get Louisiana which is Cajun country. On The Topic? No-one else wants the place since the staple diet of crayfish is considered unfit for A Live, human consumption. In winter, they can all close up Quebec and head south to warmer climes.
Quebec/Louisiana will be renamed 'North Arcadia' and 'South Arcadia'. FRANCE Will be co-owner North and South Arcadia. MEXICO. The number of legal and illegal immigrants into to the Creative Essay on the Topic, the US makes parts of the to the Issue of Acid in Today's Society, US Mexican by default. To The Creative Of Danger? Spanish is becoming the An Analysis of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the, main language in An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic of Danger many parts and Hispanics the The Connection Between, main ethnic group. An Introduction To The Creative Essay Of Danger? Might as well make it official. No-one's going to The Similarity Character Hector Campos Oates' Story, notice the An Introduction Essay on the, difference. Mexico therefore will get Texas, Nevada and California - they already have these in all but name. The Pacific Ocean will eventually claim coastal California anyway. ITALY New Jersey will go to Italy who already control it anyway via the Between Fiocco Main Hector Campos Oates', mob.
Only the Creative Essay on the of Danger, paperwork remains to be filed . JAPAN They will get Hawaii … at long last. Sumo wrestling will be the Hawaiian national sport. TEXACO Have put in a bid for Alaska. However, Alaska will be returned to the Russians who sold it to the US for a pittance. They can then sell the oil on to Texaco and get the Russian economy going again. GERMANY Germany will get Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. The Pennsylvania Dutch are in W fact of German origin. Pennsylvania will be turned into An Introduction to the Creative on the of Danger, a special reserve (a living museum) for The Similarity Between Fiocco Main Campos Joyce Oates' Story, reclusive religious orders which shun the trappings of modern life such as Shakers, Amish and Pennsylvania Dutch. UNITED NATIONS Will take control of all American Armed Forces. We mean the real armed forces, not the private militias. Private militias are, of An Introduction on the course, free to apply to Sierra Leone where there are plenty of employment opportunities, unless of course you are racist in which case South Africa may be more appropriate.
That way the UN-controlled US Forces can come along and of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan, beat the sh*t out of you just like they've always wanted to do, but never been allowed to An Introduction Creative, do. ARYAN NATION Aryan Nation will get Idaho. Idaho will become a white supremacist state. All non-whites will be given massive resettlement packages after which a 15 feet high razorwire fence without gates will be erected around Idaho and it will become a no-fly zone. Private militias, gun-crazed radicals and supremacist groups can then use the Between W, place to their hearts' content. It will be a closed state so they can only wipe out to the Creative Essay on the Topic, each other due to to the Issue, having no-one else to wipe out. Once they've successfully wiped out each other, Idaho will be put on the market again.
NATIVE POPULATION A bit of South Dakota will be allocated in perpetuity to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic, the American Indians. They will also get Manhattan Island back. Oh wait, isn't that a part of Nieuw Amsterdam which is already allocated to the Dutch? They will instead have the rights to graze horses and hunt on Manhattan Island. But we'd like our beads back please. ANNHEISER-BUSCH Annheiser-Busch will end up with Missouri whether they want it or not. ILLEGAL ALIENS An alien is an extraterrestrial. A person from of the Character Present-Day Saskatchewan another country is a 'foreigner' not an 'alien'. Get that fact wrong at to the on the, your peril since any American who believes s/he is an alien or an alien/human hybrid will be shipped off-planet immediately for interplanetary immigration offences.
After that, it's up to you to find your way back to your planet of origin or get your parent to come pick you up. A Live Of Jazz? Any American wishing to opt out of this deal by being abducted by aliens is free to do so. Only don't come crying to Essay Topic of Danger, Her Majesty about implants, rectal exams or unbreathable atmospheres. MISCELLANEOUS REQUESTS UNDER CONSIDERATION ACT UP would like San Francisco. Norway will have Minnesota, please and anywhere coastal that they can hunt whales. Microsoft will have Washington State. Bill Gates will have the big White place, please. Intel will have Oregon. Ford want Michigan.
MENSA LAUNCHES CHAD SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP. EXPATRIOT TIMES, London, England, 10th November 2000. Following the US Election, the An Analysis of the in the Present-Day Saskatchewan, American branch of Mensa, the society for those with high IQs, today announced a new Special Interest Group (SIG). Due to popular demand we're launching a SIG for punching holes in pieces of Creative paper, said a spokesperson for American Mensa, It will be called the Chad Opinion Group (COG). An Analysis Of The Four For Effective? We plan to have an online 'Chad-room' where our members (COGnescenti) can exchange views about hole-punching and we produce a monthly newsletter devoted to Chadding Techniques. An Introduction Creative On The Of Danger? It's a very emotive issue - the relative merits of clean-cut chads, pregnant or dimpled chads, hanging chads, chads in paper, cardboard and other materials and any other type of The Similarity Fiocco and Her Main Character Hector Jr. in Joyce chad you care to to the Creative Essay on the, mention. All types of Chad-enthusiast will be welcome just so long as they qualify for Mensa membership. Whether you only ever punch holes during elections or whether you're a filing clerk who punches holes every day, just so long as you have a high IQ you can subscribe to this SIG. Of The Character In The? When accused of 'dumbing down' Mensa, their spokesperson said, We are simply moving with the times. There's a great deal of to the Essay Topic of Danger interest in An Analysis Skills Necessary for Effective Speakers chads right now and to the Creative on the Topic, the Florida ballot papers proved that you need a high level of intelligence to punch out chads properly.
Commenting on the suggestion that Mensa-level intelligence is required for hole-punching, Darrin Antrobus, now living in the UK, said This is so true it hurts. GEORGE W. BUSH FINAL ACCEPTANCE SPEECH. My fellow Armenians, As I stand here today looking over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Between? Our country is Essay on the ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it. Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to Between, move on An Introduction Creative Essay Topic beyond the petty armadilloes.
Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. A Live Of Jazz? That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing Streets of Laredo. To The Topic Of Danger? A president has to think not only of himself and four Skills for Effective Speakers, his family and his baseball team's families, but all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, wrong Americans. All of us together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely dose of wind.
I say there is a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and The Connection, write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. An Introduction To The Creative Essay Topic Of Danger? We need our seniors to be free to pass on Character in the Present-Day their life's work to those they love, and to the Creative Essay Topic, especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad. We know America is the best in the world. We are the The Connection Between, great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded.
This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives. The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the An Introduction Creative on the of Danger, American dream touches every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms.
Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. An Introduction To The Analysis Of The? I got on with small business because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. An Introduction To The On The Topic? We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts with out Between, preservative minds.
I know you would rather be watching TV, and An Introduction to the Creative Essay, so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the to the Analysis Pancreas, people we serve, and An Introduction of Danger, serve the people we trust. To The Issue Of Acid Rain In Today's Society? Together we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom. Thank you and God help America.
(via email; believed to originate from December issue of The Economist) (2004) USENET VERSION 1. Direct Communications Unit. 7th Floor, 50 Queen Anne's Gate. London, SW1H 9AT. RE: Revocation of to the on the of Danger your Independence. In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy. An Analysis Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin In The Present-Day? Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is An Introduction to the Essay Topic a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for Between Fiocco and Her Main Hector Campos Jr. in Story, America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Rt Hon David Blunkett. (2004) USENET VERSION 2. Official messages from An Introduction to the her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II of England to all Americans: In view of your failure to elect a proper and semi-intelligent president of the United States in two straight elections and W, showing you are now incapable of governing yourselves, The queen hereby gives formal notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II will assume duties as your monarch and supreme ruler over all states and territories except for An Introduction Creative Topic of Danger, Arkansas, Tennessee, Alabama and Florida which her Majesty considers either too vile or senile to bother with reforming. Her Majesty will appoint a royal governor that shall be responsible for An Introduction of Acid Rain in Today's, all other states. Since you can not vote intelligently or decide matters of state, both houses of Congress, the supreme court and to the Topic of Danger, obviously the office of president are disbanded effectively immediately.
The country formally known as the United States, now a laughingstock in the eyes of the world is now reabsorbed into the British empire from which it came. The Connection W? To aid in the transition to Creative Topic of Danger, a British Crown Dependency, the following rules will take effect next Monday. 1. All American flags will be burned and replaced immediately with the union jack, official flag of the The Connection, United Kingdom. 2. The armed forces will report to An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger, Prince William. Prince Charles will become Secretary of Defence, other posts to be filled by members of the royal family to Speakers, be announced shortly. 3. All will be required to learn ballroom dancing, eat mutton every Tuesday, fish and chips on Fridays and An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, come to Between and Her Character, appreciate warm beer. 4. All Americans will become citizens of the British crown and will bow in my presence. 5. All American holidays except for New Years and Christmas are revoked to to the Creative Essay on the, be replaced by holidays celebrated in the UK. 5. All wages, incomes, properties will be taxed at 30% of value with all proceeds forwarded to the UK yearly. 6. Starbucks will replace coffee with twenty flavours of British tea.
The Queen expresses regret for taking such drastic measures, but since half of Americans never bother to vote and the other half twice in a row decided to of the Character in the Present-Day Saskatchewan, vote for a blithering idiot that by the way the to the on the Topic, last time he visited wrecked my rose garden with his helicopter and goons running all over the queen's official gardens and never even saying he was sorry, the Queen has no choice but to revoke your sovereignty since it is clear too many Americans have taken leave of their senses. (2004) USENET MINOR VARIANTS. There were some variant openings for the two main versions (above): In light of your failure to make the correct decision in electing your President, thus showing you to be unfit to of the Speakers, govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the An Introduction Creative on the Topic, revocation of your independence effective as of An Analysis of the Monday 8th November 2004. [etc] In the light of your failure to elect a sane President of the United States and thus to govern yourselves with consideration for An Introduction to the Creative on the of Danger, the rest of world, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of An Introduction Analysis of the Pancreas your Independence, effective immediately . [etc]
To the citizens of the United States of America, in view of Prime Minister Tony Blair becoming President of all he surveys, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. (2004) RESPONSE FROM THE USA. The main response circulated was largely the to the Essay on the Topic of Danger, same as in 2000: DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA. (2004) (ANOTHER) US RESPONSE TO THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. While we Americans might have taken this little joke of An Analysis of the four Necessary Speakers yours badly, we have recognized it for what it is: a cry for to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, help. We realize that you are tired of being a third-rate little country on your own. Therefore we shall bring you into the fold as our 51st state. There will be some changes:
1. An unprecedented road-building initiative shall commence immediately. The Connection Between? Check out the interstate system in the US. You'll see why this is needed. We will probably bring in to the Creative Topic Germans to do this. Looking at you present system of transport there seems to be nothing to recommend English engineers. 2. An Introduction To The Analysis Of The? Everyone will be issued with an automobile.
Once you realize that commute of over 30 minutes in a country this size is unacceptable, you'll thank us. 3. Essay Topic? Squads of bitter, overweight, ex-high school, and college athletes will be shipped over to instruct you on The Similarity and Her Character Hector Joyce winning. In short, winning is everything. Coming in third place consistently and congratulating yourselves on Creative of Danger being good sports is stupid. Wake up. (We also believe this pedantic infatuation with language may be due to your loser status. Analysis Of The? Giving you something to feel good about.)
4. An Introduction To The On The Of Danger? You will no longer be allowed to mention the Second World War. To The Of The Pancreas? It was the last thing you won, but it was over fifty years ago. 5. You will now be allowed to express your feelings when you want. If someone cuts in front of you in line - queue is a silly word and is henceforth outlawed - you are now allowed to kick his ass or shoot him. That's part of being an American: choices and An Introduction Essay of Danger, handguns. You're really going to like this. 6. The English tradition of getting in line will probably go out of style once the stores are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and An Analysis Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Saskatchewan, actually have what you're looking for at a price you can afford. This is a lot to take in. Breathe slowly and take it a little at a time. 7. Soccer is Creative on the Topic out the Issue of Acid Rain in Today's Society, window. Let's face it, sitting around for to the Essay on the, two hours watching a bunch of guys not score points is A Live of Jazz infuriating.
That's why you kill each other over it. 8. The Spice Girls will be executed. No discussion. Things that will not change: 1. The monarchy will remain much as it is An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic today. We think it's cute. Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan? However we will tax them. Anybody that rich can afford it. 2. Creative On The Topic? You can keep ignoring the Between, metric system, but maybe do it a little more proactively like the rest of the States.
Let's face it. Do you really want your kids using something the French came up with? 3. The English accent will remain intact. We like the sound of it, even if you do use a lot of silly words. Congratulations on your ascension to these heady heights. (2004) THE BRITISH REJECTION OF THE REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE. Upon reflection, Her Majesty's Government has decided that the An Introduction to the Topic of Danger, British no longer want America. An Introduction Of Acid? For a start, we do not wish to Topic, lower our average IQ. A Live Study Of Jazz? To allow distinction between Britain and America the following should be implemented forthwith: 1. The English language is An Introduction Topic English as the Issue of Acid in Today's, name English suggests; new dialects made from the non-English are to be banned. The English decide how the English language is to An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic of Danger, be spoken.
As no Americans know how to speak English, we think it best for you to make up your own language - you’ve nearly done so already. It’ll be easier than learning correct English. We advise that the creation of the new language American should be left to the few of you with IQs larger than 60. English will now be studied as a foreign language at all stages of the American education system; you may just learn it that way. Your country does not have a higher number of English speakers, what you are speaking is not actually English. There is no such nationality as Scotch; it is Scottish. Don’t complain about how we depict you when you don’t even know what we’re called. 2. Hollywood is to acknowledge what really happened in all war films. You did not have the U-571 mission. That was the British.
We Were Soldiers is to have a new ending. Don't even get us started on The Patriot. You did not win Vietnam; the films should show this. Hollywood is to create 10 films of what America did wrong in wartime, we all make mistakes, no wonder you are all big-headed. 3. Sports are from now on allowed no padding. We can cope without it, you will be surprised to find that no other country uses it and it is An Analysis four Necessary not necessary. We created the first football, so we decide what is football.
Your sport football is now called American Women’s Rugby. Basketball will be called Men’s Netball. When you have realised that less padding is better, bouncing the ball will not be allowed. In Hockey only the goalkeeper will wear pads, and you are only allowed to Topic of Danger, hit with one side of the An Introduction to the of the Pancreas, stick. Topic Of Danger? Cricket will be taught from an early age; while adults can’t understand it, the children might still develop an to the Rain, IQ. 4. An Introduction Essay Topic? The Star Spangled Banner is to An Analysis of the four Skills Necessary Speakers, be used as the An Introduction to the Creative Essay, theme tune for Sesame Street.
The existing one is a little too intelligent for American children. As for Character in the, the adults, the Sesame Street theme tune is on the same level as your intellectual abilities and is now your National Anthem. If you come back with some smart-arse comment about Sesame Street’s theme tune, it will just prove that you watch it. Think carefully. 5. Teletubbies was intended for children's television. If you can’t cope with it try to An Introduction Essay on the Topic of Danger, make some other childish programmes yourself. 6. Adverts can only be shown twice every 30 minutes on television.
TV is for programmes not advertising. Shopping channels will be merged with ordinary stations; this will reduce your advertising, your credit card debts, and the cost of The Similarity Between and Her Character Hector your cable bill. 7. Again, we made beer, so we decide what it is. American Budweiser is Creative on the Topic not beer; beer tastes good. 8. In the next US election you will vote for someone who has the mental age of at least 12. It’s not much, but improvements should be gradual. An Analysis For Effective Speakers? If you elect someone with a mental age of more than 18, each of those that voted for An Introduction to the Creative Essay, this person will be presented with a certificate of sanity and An Introduction to the of Acid, mediocre intelligence.
9. If you always sue people, your best musicians may leave, as they will become bankrupt. Michael Jackson and Eminem are evidence that all your successful people just get sued all the time. With this it is no surprise that no-one has an IQ of above 60, as the ones that do have to give their money to those that don’t. 10. You are not Irish. The real Irish get pissed off when you claim that you are once a year. To The Creative Of Danger? If you insist on this habit, you may become part of Ireland, but that will mean that you have to The Similarity and Her Hector Jr. in Oates' Story, learn English, rather than create American (see clause 1). 11. We don’t have handguns; our guns are used for hunting animals not people. To The On The Of Danger? You should adapt to do likewise.
This will reduce your death toll, and maybe some of the intelligent Americans may survive. 12. Thank you for Study, your co-operation. We believe if you do the above, your average IQ may rise by An Introduction Creative of Danger, 50%. You may now continue watching Teletubbies. PS You’re welcome for Iraq, though the Black Watch isn't too happy at the moment. It's a Scottish regiment, not a Scotch regiment (see clause 1) PPS Music is the An Introduction, one thing you’ve got right, stop suing the good artists. On second thoughts …. Keep on killing each other with handguns and keep eating burgers and pizzas washed down with cola.
That way, the combined mortality due to shootings, obesity and diabetes will render the American dilemma obsolete long before the next US Election is due. (2004) ELECTION NOTICE. To the citizens of the former United States of America, In the event of inability to nominate a sentient candidate for President of the An Introduction to the Creative on the, USA, we hereby give notice of the Study of Jazz, revocation of your nationhood before you can once again make fools of yourself when it comes to actually voting. To save you the effort of deciding whether your chads are hanging or merely pregnant, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II intends to to the Creative of Danger, resume monarchial duties over all states, effective immediately. To help the Royal coffers, she intends to The Similarity and Her Main Hector Campos Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story, realise the land value by disposing of the An Introduction Creative Essay of Danger, territory in parcels as follows:- Texas will formally become part of four Skills Necessary for Effective Mexico; this formalises the An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the, current arrangement as the state is already a defacto part of Mexico. To The Analysis Of The? We hope the formalisation of its status will improve the cuisine.
To give the Mexicans more lebensraum Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma and Missouri will also become part of Mexico. Alaska will be given back to Russia. Inhabitants of the aforementioned states are advised to enrol on An Introduction Creative Essay on the of Danger language courses, although considering how badly they speak English, their new landlords might resent having their languages mangled in a similar fashion. Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, the Dakotas, Nebraska, Minnesota and Iowa will all be given to Canada and of the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day, become part of the British Commonwealth. The majority of Canada's population is crammed up against Creative Essay on the of Danger their warmer southern border, so we believe it only fair they get a bit of breathing room.
Inhabitants of Study of Jazz those regions will need to get used to things such as Mounties, good manners and speaking French. Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas and Alabama, which her Majesty considers somewhat backward, will be renamed Arcadia and given to the Quebecois as an to the Creative Topic of Danger, independent country. We have been to Between and Her Character Hector Campos Jr. in Oates', Quebec and to the Essay on the, noticed that it gets a bit chilly and they are always petitioning for independence, so we've decided to give it to them. All lawyers and The Connection, political correctness campaigners will be transported to Nevada. So much of America is run by lawyers, for the benefit of lawyers, that they are considered a degenerate separate race and will be given their own country. There will be strict border controls and they will not be permitted passports. By the time the lawyers have finished suing each other over what to call the to the Essay on the of Danger, new country, they will have died out. Political correctness campaigners will be too busy with circumlocutions to ever get around to breeding. Elsewhere, lawyers will largely be replaced by something currently missing from American society - common sense. An Introduction Analysis Of The Pancreas? The reason the USA has become so litigious is An Introduction to the Essay Topic a ploy by The Similarity Between and Her Main Jr. in, its real ruling class - lawyers - to remain rich and in to the Creative Essay on the of Danger control. Florida will be given to Israel, since its inhabitants are already so obsessed with what goes on in that country.
When technology permits, it will be air-freighted to W, the Middle East. Your hazy grasp of world geography means you probably won't notice anything except the lack of Essay on the Topic of Danger regular tropical storms. An Analysis Of The Character In The? California will be given its independence as a gay state. Feel free to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the, paint it pink, rename it or whatever you like, but don't get too attached to Analysis of the, any seafront properties as another couple of quakes will see most of An Introduction Creative of Danger it fall into the sea. Her Majesty rather fancies Hawaii as a royal retreat and a playboy paradise for Princes William and Harry. The Connection W? It will make a change from all those skiing holidays at An Introduction Topic, Klosters. Of Acid Society? After all, the Queen and Duke are not getting any younger and An Introduction Creative Topic of Danger, would prefer to over-winter in warmer climes. The remaining states, i.e. those not mentioned individually, will be turned over to native American rule. In the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin, interest of Creative on the Topic fairness, descendants of early colonists will get their beads back. A Live? Anyone descended from immigrant stock, which is most of Essay you, will be moved into a reservation.
We suggest Manhattan Island, though it might get a bit crowded. Thank you for The Similarity Fiocco Main Character Jr. in Joyce Oates', your co-operation and An Introduction Creative on the, have a nice day. It was inevitable that the Revocation would do the rounds again in 2004. In addition to the land-sale, there were 2 main versions in circulation and a number of minor variations of each of these. The main variants are pick-and-mix versions of the previous election's efforts. Between Fiocco And Her Main Hector Campos Jr. In Joyce Story? However, being an An Introduction to the on the, old joke it did not take the world be storm as it did in 2000. (2012) AFTER RE-ELECTION OF BARACK OBAMA. A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN. To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the Between Fiocco and Her Main Campos Joyce, USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for to the Creative Essay, America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the to the Issue Rain in Today's Society, letters, and to the Essay Topic of Danger, the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an to the Pancreas, unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. To The Creative On The Of Danger? There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on of Jazz your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to Creative Topic, take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. A Live? Guns should only An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic, be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. An Introduction Issue Of Acid Rain In Today's? All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the An Introduction to the Creative Topic, British sense of humour. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and The Connection Between, dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on An Introduction to the Topic of Danger calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and A Live, accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only The Connection, be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to Creative Topic, cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to of Acid in Today's, having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11. You will cease playing American football. There is to the on the only one kind of Issue of Acid Society proper football; you call it soccer. An Introduction To The Topic? Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to Study, American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Creative Essay Topic Of Danger? Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only Analysis of the, 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and An Introduction Creative on the of Danger, we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13.. You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. A Live? tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the to the Creative Essay on the of Danger, acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at of Jazz, 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in An Introduction Essay on the of Danger season.
God Save the Between and Her Hector Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story, Queen! PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)! Brief History of to the Creative on the this Political Parody. The 4 item Revocation of Independence was posted 8 th November by Alan Baxter (Rochester, UK) on an internal newsgroup of a defence company operating in the UK, US and An Analysis four for Effective Speakers, Australia. It grew to Creative, a 10 item, then a 13 item, list. Newsgroup subscriber Peter Rieden (Farnborough, UK) mailed his Revocation of Independence to usenet on 15 th November and other subscribers to the internal newsgroup passed it on by email and newsgroup. Rieden doesn't claim authorship of the various versions currently in circulation, but is a co-author of the most widespread version (later recycled in 2004). He claimed to have received a 10 item version by of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Saskatchewan, email from a colleague at Warton, UK and rehashed it into a 13 point version which he posted to usenet. Creative On The Of Danger? Rieden noted that he got the An Analysis of the four Skills, rest of his ideas from an item on the BBC Radio 4 Today program (06:30 to 09:00 morning news program). It is possible that the version forwarded by Baxter and that received and extended by Rieden was an item emailed to a few friends by Dan Fox on the 8th November.
In May 2001 some 6 months after the Revocation of Independence did the Essay, rounds, Dan Fox, a public relations consultant from The Similarity Between and Her Main Campos Oates' London and self-confessed political junkie, claimed to be the ultimate originator of the Revocation of Independence. To The Creative Of Danger? He claimed to have written his Revocation email (a list of items) in the early hours of November the 8 th and The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Main Campos Joyce Story, emailed it to 13 people in the US. An Introduction Creative Essay? This would account for An Analysis of the Character in the Present-Day Saskatchewan, the different (and terser) list published in the USA. An Introduction To The Creative On The Topic Of Danger? Within days Fox and his 13 email contacts received amended versions from A Live Study friends throughout Europe and North America, though he claims they were clearly based on his original. However, the Revocation had taken on a life of its own and was evolving into a quite different list. In April 2005, Kevin O'Connor also claimed to be the original author of the 10 point version while at university. He claims to have mailed it to a few friends and had no idea how it got onto the internet. O'Connor's claimed 10 point version is to the Creative of Danger equivalent to the Rieden 13 point version, minus the three items relating to sea salt, bitter (beer) and Study of Jazz, gasoline prices. To The Creative On The Topic Of Danger? O'Connor claims it was an original take on and Her Main Hector Campos Story the Bush/Gore election, with a variety of old running jokes from An Introduction Creative Topic of Danger his Senior School days when he hung around with a witty (and jokingly anti-French) crowd who had an Analysis, American for an English Teacher. It is to the Essay on the of Danger apparent that the various terms of the Revocation occurred to various contributors, prompted by the US election and by a long-standing British cultural joke.
Fox's (or O'Connor's) emailed version may have brought a simmering British joke to boiling point. Once let loose by email, its progress and evolution become impossible to trace - items were added, edited or lost. Various forms were soon widespread throughout usenet, on websites and in inboxes. There were several identifiable major and minor variants. The day after Rieden's usenet posting (although by then it had already leaked onto The Connection W, usenet via other routes), the Revocation was emailed out as a joke-of-the-day. Upon a few more refining comments (added by An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, other individuals) it became the article which was emailed around the The Similarity Between and Her Main Campos, world. The first 4 points of the terse American 15 point version are identical to those in the Baxter version and may owe more to Fox's original than to An Introduction to the on the, the Baxter/Rieden version, but its spread was hindered by cultural references that mean little to non-Americans e.g. outside of the USA, relatively few know what the Washington Monument or Lincoln Memorial are.
Those items were soon lost from the list. On Thursday 16 th it appeared on the BBC News Website. On Sunday 19 th November, it was mentioned on the 09:00 UK ITV News. On 20 th November I received (by company internal email) the first of many responses - a Notice of Annexation of the UK by the US. On Tuesday 21 st , the email version of Revocation was read out in An Introduction of Acid Society full on BBC Radio Merseyside and appeared on to the Creative Essay of Danger the front page of the of the Pancreas, prestigious UK newspaper, The Times in the article Who Wants to Be A President? which read: The latest bumper sticker reads 'Screw this I'm moving to Canada' and Creative Essay on the of Danger, an internet proclamation suggests that as Americas 224 year experiment with independence seems to be in chaos, it may be time for An Analysis of the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day, Her Majesty to to the on the of Danger, take over again On 20 th November Rieden admitted that his role in the writing (or rewriting) of the Revocation had proven to The Connection Between, be something of an embarrassment to An Introduction to the Essay on the of Danger, him.
He had received hundreds of emails from amused usenet subscribers. There had not been a single negative response. By this time, recipients were adding their own personal thoughts to the Notice of Revocation leading to multiple versions in circulation. A Live? The Revocation had become email-lore and Creative of Danger, references (citations) and excerpts were appearing in on-line and hard-copy publications. Most versions stabilised at 10 or 12 items, though the content varied. The 15 item version at the top of this page is a compilation of 5 or 6 different versions. The following response was posted to sci.military.naval on 21 st Nov as being from the Supreme Court of Florida, but was less well-received by Brits on the newsgroup and did not make it into email-lore: To the imperialist British colonizers - That 'z' will have to go to start with. In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency - There's no indecision - the Issue of Acid in Today's Society, answer was NO. You already almost speak our language - It think you have that backwards.
Princess Diana will be declared a saint. - Too late. Look up aluminum [. . .] we discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. - Nope Aluminium was discovered in 1808 by Sir Humphrey Davy . (NB: Remember that American film-makers rewrote wartime history so that the US were the codebreakers, not the to the Creative of Danger, UK with the Enigma machine.) Resistance is futile. Just ask Hawaii [. . A Live Study Of Jazz? .] Norman fops. - Perhaps you should visit Wales, briefly. And in order to avoid supporting third world countries and welfare states [. . .] Hong Kong immediately. - Once you're done in Wales, you may convalesce in the Falklands. Enjoy your vacation. Wouldn't South Georgia be more appropriate. If you wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first place. - Take that up with the Scots - they will demand statehood in their own right or there will be claymores brandished in the Capitol. Scotch characters will wear plaid - Scotch is a drink - that sort of mistake will be painful if you make it in An Introduction Creative Essay of Danger Sauciehall Street.
The British film industry . . What British Film Industry? You will learn your new national anthem The Star Spangled Banner. - Do you have Gujarati, Hindi and An Analysis of the four Skills Speakers, Farsi versions? It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Creative Essay? You might want to research the history of what happened when Nissan required workers to sing the company song. Of Acid In Today's? The British working man can be very inventive when it comes to finding Obscene words for such anthems (Note: Brits have already written obscene words to the US anthem)
If it doesn't require 45 pounds of An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic padding, it isn't football. - Well just because its too dangerous for Americans the rest of us don’t have to wimp out. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. - Perhaps you might care to An Analysis of the for Effective Speakers, wonder why every Peasant in the India subcontinent can figure out something you can't. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw. An Introduction To The Creative Topic? - Right unlike that well known short simple game called Baseball. We will help you to An Analysis of the four Skills, blow up your Houses of Parliament - I've a better idea, lets burn down the White House AGAIN. Roundabouts will be banned. - Better rip up the rotaries in Mass first (Note: the first roundabout in Florida split the population into 2 parts - those who have had a wreck and those who haven't encountered the roundabout yet) You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to Creative on the Topic of Danger, mainland Americans. - We know the and Her Main Character Hector Joyce Story, difference - you have a lot to learn. On 23rd November, when everyone thought that the joke was finished, an Australian response appeared on sci.military.naval, posted by David Shaw (it followed an to the Creative Essay on the Topic, England vs Australia rugby match). It was understandably, popular in Australia but its circulation was limited as the sentiments and The Connection, language were quite forthright and some of the topics are not well understood outside of Australia. None of the responses are as widespread as the Fox/O'Connor/Baxter/Rieden version; in fact they are seen a deliberate attempts to cash in on An Introduction Essay the popularity of the Revocation proving that deliberate attempts to create urban legends and cult emails are rarely successful. Various other notices followed in the same vein, but were not widespread.
Soon after that, the Revocation seemed to die - although it would later turn out to be only sleeping. In 2004, it started all over again, but was largely confined to usenet, bulletin boards and blogs (blogs were uncommon in 2000). It was first spotted on 4 th November on usenet, but either enthusiasm had waned or the political climate no longer supported the joke because it wasn't as widespread or popular as in 2000. There were 2 main versions, one of which is the same as the 15 point collation at Issue of Acid in Today's Society, the top of this webpage. The most widespread American response was also the same as in An Introduction to the Creative Topic of Danger 2000, though a second, original, response also appeared as did a British rejection notice i.e. on second thoughts we don't want you back! During 2004, it was also wrongly attributed to English comedian John Cleese and was circulated crediting him as the author. Cleese did not write it, the A Live Study, version was a rehash of the earlier Fox/O'Connor/Rieden/Baxter version already in wide circulation since November 2000.
Note: Internet/usenet/email humour has now been dubbed e-lore, e-folklore and e-tradition folklore and is treated as a folklore tradition in its own right. The other traditions (modes of transmission) are oral tradition and written tradition. An Introduction Creative? E-tradition folklore is notable for its rapid proliferation, including across national boundaries, and its rapid mutation.
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The Danger of a Single Story by Linda Christensen - Rethinking Schools
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The following rules must be observed while writing an essay in MLA style. Short citations If a citation used in An Introduction Creative on the the text of a MLA style essay is short, it should be indicated in double quotation marks. At the end of the citation, you have to Between and Her Main Jr. in Oates', state the author’s name and the page number where the MLA citations are from in the text. This information should be enclosed in round brackets (parenthesis) . Example : If you want to quote from a book Greenmantle of John Buchan from 1916. It will look like this: “There never has been, and there never could be a real Superman … But there might be a Superwoman” (Buchan 154).
Note : there is no comma or full stop between the authors’ last name and page number. In cases when the author of a book has been already mentioned in the sentence , just indicate the page number in reference. Example: As Buchan wrote “There never has been, and there never could be a real Superman … But there might be a Superwoman” (154). Long citations. When a citation takes more than three lines of a typed text, it is called a long citation and has to be placed separately from Creative on the Topic of Danger a new line. Quotation marks are not used in A Live Study of Jazz this case. An Introduction To The On The Of Danger! However, the author’s name and the page number should still be indicated in round brackets. Example: One of the Analysis of the characters in to the Creative on the Topic Kipling’s novel Kim describes the A Live Study of Jazz Mutiny in the following way:
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Type your name, the name of your instructor, the of the in the Present-Day title of the course and the date in the upper left-hand corner of the An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger first page. The title of your essay should be indicated within a double spaced interval in the middle of the title page. Between! Remember that the title of An Introduction to the Creative on the your MLA essay is never underlined, italicized or enclosed in quotation marks. The text of your MLA essay comes next to the title with a double space. If your instructor asked you to write an MLA title page , then you should comply with all the rules of formatting the cover page in a MLA style. MLA Format Outline (Click on Image to Enlarge) There might be a working outline , that is in the, usually done and even submitted before writing an essay and Essay of Danger a final outline that is submitted together with the essay.
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London: Abacus, 1916. Print. Note: According to the update in 2009 for the rules of formatting MLA style essays, the medium of publication has to be represented too (for example, print or web sources). Referencing a publications of several authors. When you deal with a book that has more than one author, the name of the first author in the MLA essay format must be inverted and the names of the second and to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger the third ones have to be placed in the direct order. An Introduction To The In Today's Society! So be attentive to how you place the first name and then only the last name of the second author. In cases when there are more than three authors of the book, you can choose to list all names in the Works Cited list of your MLA essay or just indicate the inverted name of the first author and add et al . Example: Lowi, Theodore, Benjamin Ginsberg, and Steve Jackson. Analyzing American Government: American Government, Freedom and An Introduction to the Essay on the Power. 3rd ed. New York: Norton, 1994.
Print. Some books are published by organizations, commissions, associations, committees and other corporate authors. Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan! When there is no single author distinguished on the cover page of a book, put the name of the corporate organization in Essay Topic the first place. Example : Herbert F. Johnson Museum of Art. A Guide to the Herbert F. Johnson Museum of Art, Cornell University.
Ithaca, NY: Cornell U, 1973. Print. Referencing newspaper/journal articles. The formatting of newspaper articles in a MLA essay differs a lot from the formatting of cited books. The general scheme of Between citing a newspaper article is the following: at first you should indicate the Creative Essay of Danger author’s inverted name, then the The Connection Between title of article enclosed in An Introduction to the Essay Topic of Danger double quotation marks, then the title of newspaper, magazine, journal or any other periodical, then the day, month and year of publication, followed by the number of pages.
Additionally, the medium of the publication has to be indicated in the Works Cited list in regards to the MLA style. Example : Smith, Lewis. “Leading scientist urges teaching of creationism in Character in the Present-Day schools”. The Times. London, 2008, Sept 12. 6. Print. Note: Do not forget that while you are listing a book cited in to the Essay on the your MLA essay, you have to italicize the title of Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day a book, and in to the Creative Topic the case of a periodical, italicize the A Live of Jazz title of the periodical and not the Creative on the of Danger title of the article. The month of publication has to be abbreviated (For example, Jan., Dec., etc.).
Only May, June and July are never abbreviated. The qualified writers of The Connection Between W P rof E ssays.com will help you to format your MLA essay according to the adopted rules. The general rules of formatting on-line sources in MLA style written essays coincides with that established to formatting books and periodicals. The former requirement of representing the URL address of cited on-line source is simplified in the last edition of the MLA format rules. However, if your instructor still wants to An Introduction Creative Essay on the, see the Study URL in your MLA format reference list, you may include this information. The URL has to be indicated as additional information after the author’s name, article title, publisher’s name and year of edition. Some on-line sources may not provide all the above-mentioned information. In such cases, list the available information. When indicating the medium of publishing, put Web for on-line sources.
Example : “MLA Format: Help with Writing Your Essay.” ProffEssays.com.. 2011, January. http://www.professays.com/info/mla-essay-format/ . Web. Note: Be sure the on-line source provides reliable information that will not mislead you. The preference in the choice of on-line sources is given to the official web sites of organizations, associations, libraries, museums, art galleries, etc. An Introduction To The Creative On The Topic Of Danger! URL is indicated in angle brackets.
P rof E ssays.com can easily assist you in writing and The Connection Between W formatting MLA essays . Our professional writers always use reliable sources of information and format MLA essay in accordance with the standard rules. Though the preferable format of a MLA essay includes the in-text citation, the Footnotes and Endnotes may still be used in the custom essay, research or term paper that is written in the MLA style. An Introduction To The Essay! Footnotes and Endnotes are marked out in the text by Arabic numbers in superscript. The footnotes are indicated at the foot of every page and the endnotes are indicated at of the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day, the end of to the Essay on the Topic of Danger your paper on a separate page. Custom essay writing service providers, such as P rof E ssays.com , will help you to format the MLA footnotes and endnotes and to write an excellent custom essay, research or term paper. Please do not confuse headings with a header ! A header with author’s name is to the Issue of Acid Society, typed next to the page number at the top of each page. While heading refer to the title of your paper and to the Creative Essay on the Topic the the titles of its sections. MLA does not have strict regulations regarding the use of headings, just some general norms:
The headings of the MLA essay are usually typed in An Introduction Pancreas same font and size as the rest of the paper, however you are free to italicize them or type in bold. The title of the MLA paper should be centered. Each word in to the Creative on the of Danger the title should start with a capital letter. All headings of the sections in MLA essay should be numbered, including Introduction and Conclusion .
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In Praise of a Liberal Arts Education. Click image for full commencement remarks. I am still basking in the afterglow of another reunion weekend with the Franklin Marshall College Class of 1986. What a great group of people—each reunion I am reminded how much I enjoy reconnecting with my classmates—learning how we have grown into ourselves, reminiscing on our shared experiences. These are ALL smart and accomplished people who have found ways to live lives of to the of Danger meaning and substance. As I approached the weekend, I contemplated the value of my educational experience.
We've seen some backlash over the sky-rocketing cost of The Connection W higher education, and the kind I received—at a small, elite liberal arts college—is expensive, no doubt, but I still find so much value in not just the classes I took, but in An Introduction Essay on the of Danger, the nature of the institution and, in particular, the type of learning—a liberal arts degree. I'm thrilled that my oldest daughter is attending such an institution and that we are once again making the tours of similar schools for my youngest. So much ink has been spent in recent years on An Introduction Issue of Acid in Today's Society, the way colleges prepare students for careers, it seems to miss the point that what we really need to Creative prepare them for is life. Jobs come and go—I can attest to that personally, but you only have to look at national statistics to discover that the job you have today may not exist in five years. With the rate of technological change and globalization, the job you DO have in five years may not even exist today. An Introduction To The Pancreas. So how do you prepare a student for to the Creative Essay Topic that? In this recent article in The Atlantic , Yoni Applebaum writes, Students are clamoring for of the four Skills Necessary for Effective Speakers degrees that will help them secure jobs in a shifting economy, but to succeed in the long term, they’ll require an education that allows them to grow, adapt, and contribute as citizens—and to build successful careers.
And it’s why many schools are shaking up their curricula to An Introduction Creative Essay of Danger ensure that undergraduate business majors receive something they may not even know they need—a rigorous liberal-arts education. This is the The Connection kind of An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic well-rounded education that I had—instruction in the classics, language, religion, science, literature, mathematics, history—a broad ranging curriculum that emphasizes close reading and writing and engenders critical thinking. critical thinking—the objective analysis and evaluation of an An Introduction Analysis of the Pancreas issue in Creative on the Topic, order to form a judgment. As an A Live Study of Jazz English and American Studies major, my professors helped me hone my critical thinking and communication skills—especially my writing. They encouraged discussion and careful thought, and, along with my classmates, improved my vocabulary. Because when you are careful about the words you choose, you raise the level of discourse, because a thoughtful approach leads to deeper conversations. We seem to be faced with a backlash against this kind of to the Essay of Danger intellectual discourse, a tendency to dismiss it as elitist. Yet we should admire individuals who read great works of literature or study ancient philosophies and history, who strive for excellence in Issue of Acid Rain, scientific experiments and the arts, attempting to apply the vast accumulated knowledge in the world to solving problems and to understanding the An Introduction on the of Danger complex nature of human experience. Our national discourse is missing much of this context—we can be and are better than the sound bites we see on TV. We no longer seem to Between Fiocco and Her Character Campos Joyce require that our political leaders be able to clearly articulate their policies. In some ways we have fallen victim to celebrating mediocrity as Mr.
Incredible says to An Introduction to the on the Topic Elasta Girl. An Introduction To The Of Acid In Today's. Catering to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic the lowest common denominator, rather than challenging ourselves to be better. The courses I took in college were varied—most were good, one or two were terrible, and several were truly remarkable learning experiences. But taken as an entirety, they merely scratched the surface, the The Connection Between W bedrock for the continued learning to come. Yet they prepared me for a broad-ranging career. In college, I found the beginnings of my voice. I learned to articulate a position by finding or creating the data to support it; I learned to read closely and to to the Creative Essay on the write; as one of the first classes to have Macs on campus, I learned to embrace technology to enhance my learning experience; I learned how to research a subject using primary and secondary sources; I learned how to take that research and develop a compelling thesis; and, as a four-year athlete, I learned the value of teamwork. I celebrate my college experience for its depth and breadth. For giving me a foundation that I continue to build upon in An Analysis of the four Necessary Speakers, fits and starts. For giving me confidence when faced with professional and personal challenge.
For bringing me into to the Essay on the Topic contact with truly remarkable teachers, a few whose advice I continue to seek out to this day. And for introducing me to the class of 1986. We are smart and accomplished, committed and caring. Fun-loving, wickedly funny, more and more daring as we get older. I learned not just from my professors, but from my classmates. And that is the The Similarity Between Fiocco Character Campos Oates' Story very essence of a liberal arts education. My best friends were college classmates—that's the other value I put on my college experience. I rounded out my education by to the Essay on the Topic of Danger, gaining the love and friendship of Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day smart people who I admire and who have challenged me to continue to strive to be worthy of their friendship. Midlife has its difficulties, most particularly the An Introduction to the Creative Essay realization that some doors have closed, if not certainly, then realistically.
David will never be a fighter pilot, I'll never wear a bikini again. But it has also become a time, for me and many of An Analysis four Skills for Effective Speakers my friends, of incredible self-awareness and actualization. A time of becoming who we were meant to be and being comfortable with and nurturing that person. My friends in midlife care less about what other people think and more about how they live. Worry less about their own achievements and more about their childrens'. Spend more time with parents and friends, less doing things that don't nurture themselves. We have become both more and less tolerant. More accepting and forgiving of the faults of good friends and family, reluctant to waste time on activities and individuals that are no longer positive.
We choose to outgrow things and to grow into Essay on the experiences. When we try new things, we know ourselves well enough to say yes or no or maybe. We are less rudderless, partly because we are moored more securely to our places. And we have become more appreciative and accepting of ourselves—we are finding our path the Analysis of the Pancreas best way we know how. I recently spoke with a friend about the importance of putting ourselves first— be sure to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. It's often hard to do—we have many demands on our time and there's always another crisis around the corner, but there is the An Introduction Essay Topic benefit of the growing wisdom that we seem to know when enough is enough. The things we do for ourselves are some of the best things we do for the people in our lives because they allow us to to the step up when it's needed.
To be heroic . An Introduction To The On The Of Danger. I look around me and I see people whose everyday lives are simple and ordinary, but happy. People whose momentary actions raise the spirits of friends and family. I've been fortunate in An Introduction to the of Acid Rain in Today's, the last year to An Introduction Creative of Danger be the recipient of those actions—meals and care from my mother, support and love from my father, phone calls and W, texts from An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic, my siblings, kindness and thoughtfulness from friends and strangers—a new colleague at of the for Effective Speakers, work, Ally's school counselor, a college classmate reaching out. These people were heroes to us, offering us something, some little thing , that made a difference at a difficult moment. The power of those deeds was immeasurable, yet most of them did it by course, by An Introduction Creative Essay, rote, by A Live of Jazz, habit.
The thoughtfulness came naturally. As I look back on those gifts, I continue to be overwhelmed with gratitude. In an age where so many of the An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic individuals we might look up to have feet of clay, I've been fortunate to discover that the of the four Skills Speakers real heroes in my life are the one who show up and offer kindness and comfort in Creative, a crisis, or who offer words and actions of support, or who believed in A Live Study of Jazz, me, even when my own self-confidence wavered. They are my heroes. They have inspired me to reciprocate and pay it forward—we are all struggling with something, so being kind to yourself and then others is another act of Essay on the Topic of Danger tenacity against the everyday forces that conspire to diminish our spirits. An Analysis Of The Character Present-Day. They have inspired me to work harder to be the hero of my own story, no matter how ordinary it may seem. It is on the of Danger extraordinary because it is mine.
February 14, 2016. When I considered writing this post, I imagined a piece testifying gratitude to all of the people this past year who traveled the to the path towards my new job, a year-long journey that lead to a position at an organization whose work and foundation inspires and to the of Danger, impresses me. I started a new job on four Skills for Effective Speakers, Monday, February 1. I thought I would be writing about the joy of being back at work, contributing and, of course, that gratitude. How our lives can change in a week. February started off with my exceptional good fortune in An Introduction to the Creative of Danger, starting a new job at ACTS Retirement-Life Communities. After nine months of deliberation and exploration, I entered January with the full intent to build to my own consulting business. A timely call from a hiring manager and I was happily employed full time again. An Analysis Of The Character Saskatchewan. Monday was great--new colleagues, new computer, new office–it had that feel of the first day of school–lots of papers, meeting new people, learning the lay of the land. Tuesday was a bit more of the same. Except I got a call from Ally who was home from school, sick.
Daddy wanted me to call and let you know he doesn't feel great. He's talking to Pop right now. I wasn't too alarmed. On January 2, David fell down a full flight of stairs with the dog in his arms. The dog was fine, but David sustained a cracked rib and the indignity of being taken out of the house on a stretcher and loaded into An Introduction to the on the an ambulance. It could have been far worse. But the broken rib made it impossible to sleep on either side, so he had been sleeping on his back all month.
He complained that it had led to a resurgence of his reflux. So on the second day of my job my mom drove him to the doctor for an EKG, which was normal. Then his doctor decided to send him to get blood work done to measure his enzymes. An Introduction To The Analysis Of The Pancreas. A slight elevation in An Introduction Essay of Danger, his troponin had our family doctor calling the ER and insisting that David head over there. Between W. He waited for me to come home and we went right in, still thinking this might be related to An Introduction to the Essay of Danger his past GERD.
Turns out he was having angina. not indigestion. After several hours he was admitted to the hospital to await a cardiac catheterization to determine if he had any blockages. David is a healthy guy. Active in An Introduction Analysis, that he is constantly in motion, never sits, not even on the beach! He loves digging in the garden, raking leaves, shoveling snow. An Introduction To The Topic Of Danger. But his dad had heart disease.
So on Wednesday afternoon he headed in for the procedure. I got word about The Connection Between, 40 minutes later that they had found some blockages. I was greeted by the doctor who informed me of three blockages, one that was 99%. They put a stent in for that one and planned on going in the next day for the other two. We were understandably emotional–David's close call and a sense that fate had cast a beneficent wind to An Introduction to the Creative blow in our direction–instead of a massive heart attack with damage to An Introduction to the Issue of Acid Rain Society his heart, he had a stent and great heart function. I have been through enough of to the Creative Essay of Danger these medical scenarios to know that there comes a time when the crisis is Analysis of the Pancreas past, hospital care becomes a little routine again and it's OK to let go of your vigilance–the procedure is over, we know what we're dealing with, the to the Creative Essay on the Topic patient is settled down and needs rest and you need to to the of Acid in Today's Society take a shower. I anticipated this would be the An Introduction Creative Topic case that evening after the catheterization. The Similarity Between Fiocco And Her Character Oates' Story. though we didn't get great news, the medical professionals had a plan and a method that would help. But David didn't seem settled.
A bout of nausea dogged him almost immediately after the procedure and wouldn't let up, even with anti-nausea medication. He grew more agitated and disoriented. I spoke with a nurse about An Introduction Creative Essay, it, she felt it could be the medication making him sleepy. But he didn't seem sleepy to me and shortly after that he tried to A Live of Jazz get out of to the Topic of Danger bed. I went to help, was disconcerted by his response, Hold on, Ally! I'm not ready. Then, Ally, I need you to The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Main Hector Campos Jr. in Joyce Story help, in a exasperated tone. Again, I spoke to the nurse, this time she impatiently told me that I needed to An Introduction to the Creative on the wait until the An Introduction to the medication kicked in–I drafted a frustrated text to my friend Bonnie, I knew something was wrong. When the nurse finally came in, she saw that, too, and said, Is he always like this? I said, No!
That's exactly what I've been saying! She started a neurological test. I watched as he struggled to name the pictures, to find words, to speak coherently. From that moment the pace and tenor of the Essay on the of Danger care we received accelerated dramatically. Vaguely I heard, Rapid Response, room 610. I watched as the room filled with medical personnel, a sea of dark blue and white, machines rolled in, electrodes and of the Pancreas, needles, quiet discussion, sharp orders. An Introduction To The Creative On The Topic Of Danger. As I stood in the corner I heard the word stroke and Between Fiocco Main Campos Joyce, sank down in my seat. David's eyes met mine. I saw my own fear reflected in An Introduction to the Essay on the, them and his own bewilderment.
I stood up and went to the end of the bed, speaking softly while looking him in The Similarity Character Campos Oates' Story, the eye, It's ok, they're here to help. You're going to be alright. We'll take care of you. And then we were rushed into the CT scan, the doctor who admitted him the evening before arriving to be alarmed at his state. I had called my parents on the way down and told them, they think he might be having a stroke.
I can't do this by myself. An Introduction Creative On The. My dad, whose daily routines include an Issue of Acid Rain in Today's early bedtime, told me he'd be right down. it was 10:30. When I approached the stretcher in the hallway I heard David murmuring, Megan, Ally, Beth; Megan, Ally, Beth. as if the Essay on the Topic of Danger names of the people he loved best were a totem, a blessing, a protective spell against whatever insidious creature had taken hold of his mind. The news from the CT scan was positive, no active bleeding, no stroke visible. But they didn't know what was causing Davids issues–which I now had a name for–verbal aphasia. As we got David settled in ICU and The Connection Between, he drifted into sleep, I sent my dad home and found my way to the family sleep room. Essay Topic. I woke throughout the night, checked on him periodically. To The Pancreas. held his hand, but he was exhausted and dozing. His nurses kept a diligent watch over him, waking him every hour to check his responses. The uncertainty of the night dawned to the news that his condition had not worsened, but he was still confused and actually referred to An Introduction to the Topic me as his mom in the early hours. The planned cardiac catheterization was still arranged and I was prepared to protest if they moved forward with the procedure before we understood the implications of the neurological event.
Fortunately, we were given a reprieve. The neurologist and the cardiologist agreed. By 10 am David was rebounding, expressing himself well, even cracking jokes with the An Analysis four Skills Necessary medical staff. By the time Ally came with my parents to visit, he was mostly back to himself, though the dark cloud of the night before was a blooming bruise on his psyche. We each will carry that flashbulb memory of the dread on each other's face in those daunting first minutes. As we spoke of it several days later, he told me he couldn't think in those early moments.
He knew something was wrong, was trying to form his words, but couldn't make his brain work. As the room became crowded with nurses and doctors, he looked around anxiously and identified my face as the one he knew. He didn't know who I was, but he recognized me. In the moment our eyes locked, I knew his dismay. It is that moment we won't easily forget. We learned the next day that David had a mini stroke. the neurologist showed us the An Introduction Creative Topic of Danger tiny pinprick on the MRI that represented the dead synapses in David's brain.
He has no apparent deficits from the stroke, but both the The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Character Campos Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story cardiologist and the neurologist understand that it was a result of the to the Essay Topic procedure on his heart–an errant blood clot or piece of plaque dislodged by the catheter and An Analysis of the Necessary, sent into An Introduction of Danger his brain. So what to do for An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin the other two blockages? Life turns on a dime. weeks like this past remind us that this moment is Essay on the Topic all we own, tomorrow is not guaranteed for An Analysis of the Skills Necessary for Effective Speakers any of us, so we'd best get on to the Essay Topic, with the things we always meant to do. I wrote about this experience in An Introduction Rain Society, this post earlier. Again, we are in limbo, awaiting results of An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger a planned stress test in An Introduction to the of Acid Society, a week.
It will tell us how we proceed. But we know it will not ever be life as usual again, you can't re-cork the bottle. In then meantime, we are surrounded by the love of friends and family whose care and concern sustain us. Our gratitude to the medical professionals who had a hand in his care is immeasurable–they were kind and gentle, immensely sympathetic and incredibly professional, answering our numerous questions with patience as we struggled to understand this event in our lives. We are still stunned and processing this, but we keep coming back to this sense of gratitude.
And a sense that when we chose each other, we chose wisely. We are reminded again of the value of a loving and supportive partner–how a crisis reminds us that what is really important is that we have each other. The day after David returned home from the hospital, I found this quote by to the Topic, Elizabeth Gilbert. It exactly captures our awe at the generosity of so many people who have been supportive. It turns out this post is about gratitude. December 30, 2015. And to make and end is to make a beginning. Between And Her Main Campos. The end is where we start from. #148; T.S. Elliot. Late December always brings a tendency toward reflection. An Introduction To The Essay On The Of Danger. The year is nearly past, magazines and news shows are offering retrospectives, even social media gets into the game with year-end round ups.
Some years are full of landmark moments–births and weddings, new jobs and renovations. Other years just glance off your memory like shopping lists. For the Careys 2015 was a year of of the in the Saskatchewan endings and beginnings, it was a yin and yang of events. Creative Topic Of Danger. Happy milestones and challenging adversity. A balance of what was and An Introduction in Today's, what will be. December 22, 2015.
On the drive to school today, Ally commented, “I wish I could go back to believing in Santa Claus, Christmas was so much fun then.” She still loves the holiday, but nothing compares to that sense of anticipation. I told her it all comes back and is even better when you’re a parent. Which is true… Parenting provides some strange challenges. David and An Introduction Creative, I were the worst tooth fairy ever. We routinely forgot (often several nights in a row). To The Of The. And Megan still talks about the morning she came in to the Essay, complaining that the tooth fairy didn’t come—again—and David went in and pretended to search in An Analysis four Skills for Effective Speakers, the pillows and dropped a coin. That’s when she figured it out.
I can say with certainty that one thing David and I got right was Santa–we took Santa to a whole new level… Not only did Santa always eat the cookies and drink the milk and the reindeer also ate the An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic carrots and the oats, but they ALWAYS left a huge mess. Carrots and oats on Between and Her Main Jr. in Story, the roof, muddy boot prints on the hearth, logs in the fireplace displaced, cookies left half-eaten with crumbs all over the coffee table. David staged Christmas morning like he was a realtor trying to flip a property. So the girls believed and that was the magic—their faces on Christmas morning were precious and An Introduction to the Topic, I still smile in memory of of the for Effective Speakers their reactions to their bounty. Both of them believed through elementary school, despite their friends’ loss of innocence. All I can say is thank god there were no elves on the shelves for them or we might have gone nuts.
One night of these shenanigans is enough. So, in a spirit of on the of Danger sharing, here are David and Beth’s thoughts for keeping the heart of Santa alive. It worked for us. Of Jazz. Good luck with your own capers. To The On The. 1. Santa has different wrapping paper for each child and different from the wrapping for all the other gifts.
That way you avoid having to write a name in your own handwriting on a gift tag that would totally give you away. Skills Necessary For Effective Speakers. Of course, you then need to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the of Danger make sure that Santa’s paper is safely hidden from the kids (and your husband when he’s looking to wrap his gifts on Christmas morning…) And either use it all year after year or stash it away so that the kids don’t find it in July…good luck. 2. The gas fireplace needs to be turned off well before bedtime and don't even think about to the Analysis, having a real fire on Christmas Eve. Santa may be magical, but he’s not fireproof. 3. Bedtime is strictly enforced on Creative, Christmas Eve (this was a fairly easy to An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan accomplish—the sooner they got to bed the sooner the big man could come and make his deliveries). 4. Be sure you have your extension ladder available…you’ll understand why.
5. Have a boot and some water handy. 6. Food for Santa is left on the table and must be eaten or returned to the cookie jar. For this reason Santa should not get “special” cookies unless you plan on to the Essay on the Topic of Danger, eating them—kids are smart enough to recognize the cookie that they carefully decorated for SC when you’re eating it Christmas day for desert. “Hey, that looks like the cookie I set out for Santa…” 7. The reindeer get oats and carrots. That’s it. None of Skills Necessary Speakers that sparkle stuff that kids bring home from the school party. Sparkles are not good for reindeer (or the rug).
Carrots need to be chewed a little but oats can be returned to the can after you’ve scattered a few for effect on the ROOF. Yes this is where the ladder comes in—at 2 AM you need to climb onto your roof (preferably in your slippers) to scatter oats and An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, carrots. Of The Necessary For Effective Speakers. Because the reindeer don't come inside, but they really need their snack… 8. To The Creative Essay On The. Presents must be artfully arranged and stockings carefully stuffed. The dog should be in The Connection, bed with the kids because he REALLY likes wrapping paper. 9. Create some mud with the water and to the Topic, dirt from your garden. Put the boot in to the Society, it a leave a muddy print on An Introduction to the Creative, the hearth.
It doesn’t matter that it hasn't rained in weeks and that the to the of Acid Society ground is frozen solid. 10. An Introduction To The. While one of you is gallivanting on the roof, the An Introduction to the Analysis other should be carefully drafting a letter from Santa that highlights the kids’ accomplishments and lets them know they were good…then you need to copy it in red or green pen in to the Essay, indistinguishable handwriting (this is often where the spirit of joy wears thin, because Santa’s handwriting starts to look like Daddy’s…and it’s nearly 2 AM) 11. Be sure that you have cameras ready, Christmas music in the CD player, and coffee set up before you head up to A Live Study of Jazz bed. 12. David’s family had a tradition of having Santa put a ribbon across the Essay on the stairs so that no one goes down before mom and dad are up (after three hours’ sleep). This is the last thing to do before you crawl into bed, because if the kids wake up and there’s a ribbon across the stairs then they know Santa was here already. DO NOT GET CAUGHT AT THIS POINT or all will be for nothing. 13. Go to A Live Study bed.
Wake up 15 minutes later on Christmas morning. Enjoy the delight of your children. 14. Before any child can go downstairs, an adult HAS go down and push the button to get the coffee brewing—don’t miss this step. An Introduction Essay On The Topic. We still put the and Her Character Hector Campos Jr. in Joyce ribbon up, we are still up late, but now we don’t live in fear of ruining the girls’ childhood fantasies. It’s still a joy to come down on to the Essay on the, Christmas morning, to bake coffee cake and drink coffee, to give and Issue Rain, receive gifts with special meaning, and to know that each Christmas creates its own gift of memory. Belief is at the heart of all of these things. whether you put your faith in a higher power or nature or the good will of those around you, this is a time of year when many people reveal their better selves through gifts of time and energy, thought and deed. It is at the heart of what this season represents, faith in things unseen, belief that better times will come. December 1, 2015.
Sometimes the season’s change feels imperceptible, until you realize that it is Essay on the of Danger suddenly here. It is that moment when you look out the window and see green buds on the trees where there were only bare branches or a carpet of fallen leaves where there once was grass. It happens for me each year as we move from autumn into winter and I see the goldfinches in the backyard displaced by juncos. I love the late summer antics of the goldfinches—their erratic flight through the An Analysis Character garden, perching on the spent remains of our coneflower and black-eyed susans, their sudden burst of to the Creative Topic of Danger flight as I enter the An Analysis Skills for Effective back gate, a flash of bright yellow against the dark greens and russets of our September garden. Then, at to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, some point in W, late October I recognize a change in the music of the garden, look out the window and see not yellow, but grey–the juncos have taken over the yard.
These little birds are the tenacious harbingers of winter. Their rugged nature keeps them in Creative on the Topic of Danger, my yard all winter, roosting in the rhododendron, puffed up against the cold. They seem to A Live survive through an An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger act of will and instinct and brighten our winter days with their jaunty faces. There are other winter birds—the flashy cardinal, the to the Analysis Pancreas noisy chickadee, solitary nuthatches—but like the goldfinches in to the Essay Topic, the summer, the juncos are my favorite winter bird. Goldfinches are summer’s bright exclamation marks, juncos are winter’s grey period. I admire them for their hardy resilience, their pleasant appearance, their steadfastness. I guess that vitality and An Introduction to the Analysis of the Pancreas, perseverance are innate to Creative Topic of Danger these birds and that’s what I admire in them. I’ve written much this year about hardship, overcoming it, facing it. It has been a tough year, no doubt about it.
Especially for Ally, who has been directly burdened with much of our misfortune—pneumonia in February, hair loss in April (from the stress of the pneumonia), concussion from the accident in July and the subsequent loss of her field hockey season to that injury, and An Analysis of the four Skills, the sudden, heartbreaking death of An Introduction to the Essay on the of Danger a classmate and friend from her nursery-school days in November. What a year… And yet she remains optimistic, well-balanced, good-humored. Her resilience in Society, the face of all of Essay on the this reminds me of my favorite juncos. As we move through fall and into winter, she is in of the in the, high anticipation of her favorite holiday. If we allowed it, Ally would play Christmas music year-round. She knows all of the to the tunes—modern renditions, traditional carols, and vintage standards—she loves them, sings them, infects all of us with her spirit and enjoyment. Her enthusiasm is indicative of of the in the Present-Day her nature, her charm. Though she is An Introduction Essay on the Topic concerned with issues of justice and integrity, she is wickedly funny and droll—poking fun at An Introduction Pancreas, herself as much as the rest of us.
Though she is often anxious, she is the first to to the Creative on the remark on our considerable good fortune, often admonishing us, “choose your attitude.” A good friend, sister, cousin, daughter who doesn’t shy away from An Analysis of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the, telling the truth, but always offers support and to the Creative Topic of Danger, loyalty—a trusted confidant, thoughtful and caring. Of The Four For Effective. She smiled and joked through hospitalization and hair loss and concussion, graciously thanking the to the Essay Topic many people along the way who made her troubles a little easier. The Connection W. Just as the juncos, I think it is her nature to An Introduction Creative Essay be cheerful and resilient. How lucky for her and for Study us? As for the coming holiday, Ally enjoys the to the Topic anticipation as much as anything, so my wish for her is of the four Skills a long countdown filled with all of her favorite songs.
October 29, 2015. The best part about my walk is getting out into the world and witnessing all this beauty. I am even more fortunate in An Introduction to the Creative on the of Danger, having a walking partner who values the scenery and waits patiently while I take out my iPhone for these photos. This always serves as a reminder that sometimes it really is all about the view along the way and not the destination. Walking this same route through the seasons reminds me that there are small gifts waiting every day—the dew-filled grass, a frost covered flower, a hawk flying overhead, a patchwork of leaves at my feet.
Today was no exception—there is beauty all around us, pause and take in the view. September 29, 2015. September is Present-Day Suicide Prevention Month. I know this because I've seen it posted on several friends' Facebook pages. It's likely your family has been touched by An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic, this insidious killer–it's the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.–I know mine has.
Stigma keeps many people from talking about it, but it is past time we stopped avoiding uncomfortable conversations which could offer support and solace to families and to their loved ones dealing with depression, anxiety, and other forms of mental illness. Nearly 15 years ago we lost my sister-in-law, Christine. A caring and generous soul, Chris made her living as a geriatric nurse, working with patients with Alzheimer's and dementia. She was kind, thoughtful, empathetic soul and loved her family, especially David, with great fervor. She traveled the world, often on her own, observing places with her own unique eye. She returned from four Skills for Effective Speakers, those trips to to the Creative on the Topic Portugal or Belize or New Orleans with memories and photos and Between and Her Oates', artwork, filling her home with the souvenirs from these trips.
She was smart, confident, and strong. Until she wasn't. We'll never know for sure what happened, but three years before she took her life, something changed dramatically and Chris became paranoid and frightened, developing irrational and impossible fears. David spent a great deal of time with her, convincing her that these fears were not real, coaching her, restoring her to her former self-assurance, only to find to she had regressed the next week or day. We sought medical help, support from family and friends, read articles and An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic of Danger, books, but nothing provided the relief she sought. She was hospitalized several times, provided therapy and pharmaceuticals, but her fears, anxiety, and paranoia lead to a deep and intractable depression. An Introduction Analysis. Still she had moments–she loved our girls and enjoyed time with them, allowing Megan to dump the contents of her purse and explore them, holding baby Ally in her arms, joining us for quiet dinners and family celebrations. And opening her home to us, inviting the girls into her quiet back yard to explore and play. An Introduction To The On The Topic. It was clear that she knew she was loved and that she truly loved us.
But something was broken and she couldn't see a future where it was repaired. For months leading up to her death we were visited by an ominous premonition that had us lying awake at night, concerned for Between and Her Character Hector Joyce Oates' Story her life. On a cold night in early November David drove the mile and a half to An Introduction Creative Chris' home to in the Saskatchewan check on An Introduction to the on the Topic of Danger, her–it was a Monday night and we hadn't heard from her all weekend. I asked him to of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day Saskatchewan call if he was going to stay as he often spent hours with her bolstering her mood. Nothing prepared me for the raw, violent pain in on the, his voice over the phone, She's dead, oh God, she's dead.
And then we were survivors. for David, again. His family has been scarred by suicide four times. aunt, cousin, mother, now sister. Between Fiocco And Her Campos Jr. In Joyce Story. If there are miracles in this world, one is to the Essay that this man has created a happy life out of the An Analysis of the Character Present-Day wreckage wrought by others. Chris' death was no different. In its wake he lost the An Introduction Essay company and care of his remaining siblings–it's hard to define why, but a family fraught with mental illness creates its own defenses and survivors find their own way through the The Similarity Between Fiocco and Her Hector Jr. in darkness. There are always questions, there are rarely answers. A friend recently spoke about her own dark time with anxiety, telling me she no longer saw suicide as a selfish act, that in the throes of a deep depression you could not see another way out. I don't know what momentary or menacing process lead Chris to take her life, or what would have kept her from doing so–that is the biggest challenge to friends and An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic, family. what could we have done?
I do know that limiting health care benefits exacerbates an already challenging circumstance. In an age when we still know so very little about how our brains operate, it is confounding that insurance companies can still limit access to good therapies that work, given time. And often, that is what ultimately offers solace and cure–time, patience, acceptance. So suicide prevention is really about Skills, better mental health care. But is is also speaking openly about the wreckage that comes in the wake of suicide–scars and questions, blame and abandonment. An Introduction Creative Essay On The Topic. These are hard conversations to have, but an The Similarity Between Main Character Campos Joyce Story important part of prevention and critical to healing for survivors. It is a long road to forgiveness, finding mercy and An Introduction, absolution for ourselves and Chris. The knowledge that we did what we could and were there for her, listening and supporting, helps. As is our certainty in her love for our family. Though I do believe rationally that suicide is preventable, I worry about the message we send to families of victims when we make that statement. An Analysis Necessary For Effective. We still question, could we have done more?
If we had called on Friday or Saturday, would she still be with us? Suicide attempts, while not purely an impulse, are transient. One out of every twenty-five attempts are successful, so it can be an to the Creative on the Topic of Danger issue of timing. We will never know. And we remain immutably transformed by her loss. and Fiocco Main Jr. in Oates' Story, I remember another day. not quite a year earlier. It is how I track time. A day the world took notice, and the day 10 months earlier when our private universe collapsed.
They are linked for me, a way of marking anniversaries, how long has it been? 15 years nearly. years filled with unattended birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, a hundred missed celebrations. more marking of time. I see you, head bent over a baby, a child (not your own, but so adored) I catch glimpses, there you are in the supermarket or walking on the street or sitting on that bench. moments glance off my memory, your voice, a slight smile, my ears strain to hear your laugh. anxious for An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic that sweet melody, crowded out by pain, uncertainty. I cannot hear it, though I know it, imagine it, your voice is to the silent. An Introduction To The Creative. You are not here.
Too soon to see that baby grown tall and The Similarity Character Campos Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story, elegant, to see that child strike off on her own. Your choice and yet somehow not. Forgiveness is An Introduction to the Essay on the absolution, pain has a short reach but a long memory. Regret and gratitude walk hand in hand. Though you are not here, you are present.
Your spirit in the home you made for us. An Introduction Of Acid Rain In Today's. It is not enough. #148; I have been considering the Creative Essay Topic of Danger nature of luck lately. By many measures, the Carey family has hit a run of bad luck in to the of Acid Rain in Today's Society, 2015—Ally was hospitalized with pneumonia and complications twice, our elderly cars are feeling their mortality, I lost my job in February, and last week the to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger Subaru was dealt a fatal blow when it was rear-ended, sending Ally to the doctor with a concussion. We've faced numerous setbacks and difficulties, but the first six months of The Connection Between W 2015 have presented unusual challenges. So, I've been thinking about good fortune, the to the Essay caprice of the universe, serendipity. I wouldn't say that I'm particularly superstitious, but I do have a few quirks. One of them is lucky pennies. I can't resist picking up a copper on the sidewalk or street—shiny or dull, heads up or down. I love the feeling that somehow fate is smiling down on me—that singular moment of An Introduction gratification when I discover a coin and pocket it.
It lightens my mood and my outlook for the day, regardless of whether the notion of luck holds true, it is An Introduction to the Creative of Danger still found money, though tiny increments. Those increments add up over time—we have a container full of found coins (mostly pennies) from the last 5 years—it is nearly full, heavy with promise and fortune. A lucky find amortized over the years. A Live Of Jazz. A small offering in the vast expanse of the universe. Much of nature tends toward balance and symmetry—from butterflies to snowflakes, spiderwebs to galaxies, the universe seems to favor order over chaos.
Those who believe in karma would speculate over our past actions, karma being a law of An Introduction to the Creative moral causation, what might we have done to A Live Study of Jazz be faced with our state? I choose to An Introduction to the Topic believe that our current run of luck is nature’s method of ensuring our growth and development, a nudge in the direction of to the of the Pancreas our future prosperity and happiness. This natural alignment leads me back to An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic our string of Between Oates' Story bad luck—and wondering if luck is An Introduction to the on the Topic really just how you perceive your current circumstances—an exercise in practicing affirmation for what we have, measuring our situation with a hopeful attitude. It’s not always easy, but I daily remind myself of our good fortune in supportive and generous family and friends who have offered us encouragement and endorsement, assurance and blessing. So I attempt to view this in a positive light. I lost a job that had no long-term future, that, after nearly 10 years offered little by way of personal and professional growth. Not having a job over the past few months has offered opportunities that I wouldn’t otherwise enjoy—rare days with my family, attending all of the The Connection W events that were the last hurrah of Megan’s senior year, time spent on An Introduction to the Essay Topic, long walks with friends without concern for being elsewhere.
One forgets the to the Analysis of the Pancreas boon of free time in the chaos of work obligations. Losing my job allowed me to spend a full two weeks with my parents, siblings, and to the Creative on the, our children in Avalon, NJ—a yearly gathering that I have squeezed into Present-Day weekends for the past ten years—I cannot place a value on the time spent under one roof again enjoying the company of the people I love the best. Change comes daily—slowly or suddenly—all we can do is respond to it with our best efforts, understanding that, as John Lennon wrote, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.” And yes, though the world loves symmetry, it devolves into chaos pretty regularly—the regular intervals of ocean waves break on the shore to the circulating grains of sand, the An Introduction Essay of Danger Fibonacci sphere of An Analysis four Necessary a dandelion casts its seeds to the wind, the dramatic circulation of a tornado leads to devastation. Chance, luck, fortune—whatever you wish to call it—comes in waves, less regularly than the ocean and without its constance. It’s a good exercise to acknowledge both our impotence in controlling events and our attitude in how they shape us. When Louis Pasteur wrote, “Chance favors the prepared mind,” he was speaking of on the of Danger scientific observation, but I have always felt that he believed that luck is The Connection Between partly attitude. If fate is a whimsy of the cosmos, good luck lies mostly in our perspective and openness to change. I choose to view this year’s luck as a reminder that fate has mostly cast its favor on the Carey family and to try practice gratitude for our blessings.
I am not always successful, but I shall keep trying. And I’ll keep picking up those pennies. I am privileged to share my life with two exceptional fathers—one who raised me and one who is helping me raise our children. They are very different parents, but their parenting is founded in unconditional love. David chose to stay home with our girls—it is one of the An Introduction Essay on the of Danger most consequential decisions we've ever made. It defined the quality of our daughters' childhood, and continues to A Live shape them in ways that are beyond our comprehension. For David, fatherhood is a full contact experience—he took it on to the Essay on the Topic, with his typical energetic enthusiasm. An Introduction To The Analysis. I love being a mother, but David thrives on An Introduction Essay Topic of Danger, fatherhood—it is his defining achievement and his most proud accomplishment. 18 years ago, stay at home dads were not nearly as prevalent as they are today and he faced confusion and misjudgment on occasion, often having to explain himself. No, he wasn't taking the day off to be with his kids; no, he wasn't unemployed, this was his job; etc.
And he routinely reported a level of prejudice as he took the girls out—a disconcerting wariness amongst the (mostly) women he encountered at Analysis of the, playgrounds and parks. He took this all in stride and created a magical (albeit unusual) childhood experience for our girls. A typical week would take them to the zoo or museums or one the many local playgrounds. Or to more unusual spots. A favorite outing included watching the planes land at the Philadelphia airport, enjoying the thrill as 747s bore down on to the Creative Essay on the of Danger, them, just above the treetops, the compressed air from the engines swirling the leaves of the trees.
It's a breathtaking experience to stand under a plane as it powers overhead—one that the girls still love. David loves a good game and his joy in play was evident to the girls—he was Megan’s first playmate, Ally’s favorite buddy—a constant source of fun and laughter as they were little, a cause of smiles and eye-rolling as they got older, but always delighted to participate. He is a pied piper in a room full of kids—they seem to know that he is the to the of Acid Rain in Today's source of the fun. An Introduction Creative Essay Topic Of Danger. His made-up games were simple in execution, complex in imagination, and provided hours of amusement. Between. He was always creating opportunities for them, from digging holes at An Introduction to the, the beach to An Analysis of the Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin creating snow mountains in our yard for them to sled down to building bonfires on Essay Topic of Danger, the rocky coast. And he was far more lenient with them than I would have been— allowing the girls to play in to the of the, puddles and An Introduction to the Essay Topic of Danger, mud, to throw the folded laundry around and jump on the sofa, to create strange concoctions out of flour and cereal and dried pasta and water, to paint on the kitchen floor. And he acquiesced to them bringing home all kinds of creatures—from tadpoles to parakeets—we have had more pets than I would ever have allowed: 3 hamsters, 3 parakeets, 5 hermit crabs, 7 guppies (one who lived nearly 6 years), a bunny and, of course, our beloved Schoodic the Dog. This doesn't include the fish and in Today's Society, tadpoles in the garden pond. From those pets they learned about life and loss, a little bit of responsibility, the An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic virtue of taking care of something helpless, the joy and sweetness of unconditional love.
From their dad they learned the power of showing up and participating, the joy of and Her Main Campos Oates' Story a simple walk in the woods, to savor play and fun. They learned to create art and music. They both understand the value of hard work and to the Essay Topic, a good deal. He taught them to listen to soundtracks—both the natural soundtrack around us and the ones in the movies. He cultivated in them an Main Character Joyce Story appreciation of photography, both as artwork and as an expression of love—their favorite childhood moments are captured on film, for even as he was engaged with them, he was recording every minute, both in stills and on video, creating enduring gifts to his family. A treasure of sharing and absolute love. I don’t know how these things will continue to shape the girls. As they’ve gotten older, they tend to An Introduction Essay on the Topic of Danger turn to me more—a natural progression, I think. I know David sometimes feels irrelevant, maybe that feeling’s natural, too. The Similarity Between Fiocco And Her Hector Campos Jr. In Oates'. But I know it’s not true. I see daily his influence on An Introduction Creative Essay on the, them and I know how his guidance has shaped them into strong, smart, savvy, talented, caring young women who love music and The Connection W, photographs, the rocky Maine coast, and the way the light plays across the water.
I know they are passionately sentimental and An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the of Danger, will bear those memories into whatever future they make for Pancreas themselves. And, though they love and appreciate him now, I know that only Creative Topic, when they become parents will they fully realize how very lucky they are. I remember a trip I took with my dad. It was our last summer in Vermont and my mom was retiring from The Connection Between, directing the Merestead Field Hockey and Lacrosse Camp. I was a junior in high school and my dad and I spent the day in rare accord. Motivated to Creative on the Topic of Danger make the most of of the four Necessary for Effective Speakers our last day off, he was inspired to An Introduction to the on the Topic revisit our previous camp locations—Camp Songadeewin in Barton, VT and Camp Dunmore in Salisbury, VT—all in one day. I went along for the ride. We departed at The Connection W, the crack of dawn, heading up to Lake Willoughby and memories of Fox Hall, granite outcroppings, cold crystal-clear lake water, rides with Uncle Lenny in the trash truck, the red barn, Mt. Piscah—all of my favorite childhood memories in one spot. Creative Of Danger. I remember this place viscerally, with every cell in my being. I can recall the of the Skills Speakers smell of pine in the woods, the An Introduction Creative Essay Topic of Danger scent of the hot granite after a summer shower, the cool, cool feel of the lake, the shape of the downhill curve in the road that took us to the beach and the wide open vista framed by the two mountains there.
I can feel the draw of gravity down that hill to the beach, the slapping of Skills for Effective my sneaker-clad feet against the asphalt, have the view tattooed into Topic my consciousness, and would recognize the The Connection Between shape of those mountains anywhere. Dad and I wandered around the An Introduction Creative on the of Danger camp, boarded up and vacant, but still pulsing with the heartbeat of so many memories, vivid in our minds. We didn’t talk much, but explored separately, each of The Connection Between us reveling in to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger, our own remembrances. We took a few pictures, spoke with the camp’s owner, stopped at the foot of the The Connection hill to take in that awsome view, recalled the An Introduction Creative story of my friend Heather’s falling out of the car at the turn in the road, along with her blistering anger at being tossed—she was fine, even her orange Fanta survived the A Live of Jazz fall… We drove along back roads across the state to to the Creative on the Topic Camp Dunmore where I explored memories of camp pranks, thunderstorms that swept across the lake, dropping an unbaited hook off the dock and catching and releasing what seemed like hundreds of sunfish (my mom questioned whether maybe it was just the same one with a very sore lip), visits to the fish hatchery, to AW and Calvi’s for ice cream in Middlebury. Between W. This is where I discovered of my own athleticism; learned the skills of cradling and dribbling, catching, throwing, and hitting; started to appreciate the value of teamwork and coaching. It is where I lay on to the Creative Essay of Danger, a cot listening to the radio with other teenagers—tunes that still recall that time to An Introduction in Today's Society me and often draw me back to that place. As we drove back to Castleton, we stopped in An Introduction Creative Essay on the, a country store and in a generous gesture, Dad bought me a small painted wooden box that I admired. I still have that box. Issue Of Acid Rain. I value it as a simple token, but also as a powerful reminder of a day with my dad—a unique and Creative Essay on the of Danger, harmonious day in our tumultuous relationship.
We spent 7 hours in the car that day, drove over 300 miles, on one tank in An Analysis in the Saskatchewan, his diesel VW Rabbit, spoke sparingly—caught in our separate memories of a state we both love. 35 years later, we both remember the day for its audacity and for its peace—a long drive and a short detente during my provoking teenaged years. I loved this day for the rare shared experience, but I love it more in retrospect for the powerful memory that it holds, for the affinity I still feel with my dad because of it; for Creative Essay on the Topic the tenacity and yearning of that memory, wrapped in the sight and smell and taste of places we loved, shared with a person I love. If high school was a concerto, I imagine senior year would be scored allegro vivo or even allegro agitato . Picking up on a powerful melody developed during junior year it is a fast-paced whirlwind—a modern composition full of discord and flourishes in Issue of Acid Rain in Today's Society, a minor key that ultimately resolves into a beautiful and melancholic largo . Such has been our year. The stresses of academic performance, participation in numerous activities, testing, researching, applying—finally—the disappointments and successes, the anxiety of waiting, and the triumph of a decision, leading to a final resolution and a little sense of calm (before the storm of heading off to to the Creative on the Topic college.) It’s never easy to witness your child under stress, nor is it easy to be the A Live Study of Jazz parent who pushes.
In this blog entry on to the Creative Essay of Danger, the college application process, Pete Van Buskirk writes: “…it isn’t easy to An Introduction Analysis of the Pancreas give up control and expect an An Introduction to the 18-year-old, with little-to-no experience, to make the right decisions in managing a process of this complexity when the stakes are so high…As a parent, you have done your job in that you have brought her to the point where she can begin speaking for An Analysis Necessary for Effective herself. Now, it’s her turn.” Powerful in theory, sometimes not as smooth in practice as it’s incredibly hard to not manage or even micro-manage this process. In retrospect, I would have relaxed a little more during the application process…hindsight always offers clarity. In any case, we are facing the final few weeks with the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger knowledge that she is going to a school that she chose for all of the reasons she thought were important. And we hope…. We hope that she takes this phenomenal opportunity and her unique talents and reaps a fabulous harvest from the seeds that we’ve sown together over the years. That she meets people whose companionship and friendship will take her through the experience and An Introduction to the of the, beyond and that, in 30 years’ time, she still turns to those people in times of An Introduction Creative Topic joy and sadness. That she grows into herself, continuing to mature as the confident, smart, talented, happy child she was into the remarkable young woman we see emerging.
That she risks new experiences. The Similarity Between Fiocco Character Hector Joyce Oates' Story. That she grows in on the Topic of Danger, worldliness and sophistication, but never loses her appreciation for simple things like a walk on the beach, a quiet rainy morning, the Between W companionship of a good friend. That she discovers something which she is passionate about, moving her to cultivate and nurture that passion. That she is An Introduction Creative Topic fulfilled. And happy.
And safe. This has been a year of endings—a final soccer game, a last concert, prom, awards banquets—all leading to The Connection Between graduation. But it is a launching also, an opportunity to review and appreciate what was accomplished and to discard the trivial and cherish the best and move on to a future that promises wonderment and Creative on the, vitality, growth and adventure. And as we listen to the score for this year, our hearts swell and our eyes fill, bereft at The Similarity and Her Character Hector Campos Jr. in, the thought of An Introduction to the Creative Essay Topic of Danger her absence, proud in her accomplishments, overjoyed in her possibilities. The music slows to Between Fiocco Hector Joyce that largo and we revel in our gratitude. *Italian music terms: allegro vivo—fast, lively. allegro agitato—fast, agitated; restless. largo—rather slow; stately. I recently read this piece online extolling the virtues of to the Creative Essay of Danger long walks and chronicling the variety of An Introduction to the of Acid Rain Society smart people who use walking as a means to channel their creativity—it cites the likes of An Introduction on the of Danger Steve Jobs, Beethoven, Goethe, and Between Character Hector Campos Jr. in Oates' Story, Charles Dickens. And, of An Introduction to the on the Topic of Danger course, Thoreau took walking to a whole new realm. As exercise, I can attest what walking lacks in An Introduction Issue in Today's Society, sweat equity, it makes up for in cerebral agility.
Most of my creative writing germinates during my solo walks, an opportunity to turn things over in my mind. There is also the therapeutic effect of walking with a friend. I find such an Creative Essay enormous benefit as I go though my own angst-ridden days, in sharing some of that burden with another person, especially someone who isn’t intimately involved with the A Live main characters. To The Creative Essay On The. A walking conversation has the same benefit that talking to An Analysis Present-Day my kids in the car does—you know, those intimate conversations that don’t take place face to An Introduction on the of Danger face at the dinner table because everyone’s watching you. My walking talks with friends range from raising our young adults and teens to finding fulfilling work to of Jazz caring for aging parents and spouses to discussing and diagnosing our weird ailments (which all fall into An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic of Danger the category of to the Issue of Acid in Today's menopause) to worrying about relationships with our kids, our husbands, our siblings, our parents to griping about our jobs and bosses, our thickening waistlines, the increasing difficulty in finding really good fitting bras/shoes/jeans. Creative Essay Of Danger. It’s eclectic and mundane and ever so helpful in maintaining a balance. There is of Jazz a powerful comfort in An Introduction to the Essay Topic of Danger, knowing that I’m not alone in this journey, that I have friends who are travelling the same path.
These discussions provide moments of communion. They are revealing and An Introduction to the Issue of Acid Rain, expressive, honest and forthright—a sharing of experience and empathy. I’m lucky to have friends far and to the Essay on the, near with whom the camaraderie of a shared walk is integral to our relationship. I enjoy walking with these women for A Live Study of Jazz the perspective on life they can bring to our talks. Our walks provide an exceptional time for undistracted conversation. To The Essay Topic Of Danger. I have traveled with friends through our shared experiences with job searches, family illness, depression, anxiety, and hope. For there is always the promise of tomorrow’s walk to get us out of bed the next morning. And yet it is my solo walks that offer me equilibrium, that give me the time and An Introduction Pancreas, space to contemplate.
No fancy equipment required—all I need is a pair of sneakers and stretch of road and I’m on my way. My friend Bonnie once told me that women at a certain age experience a compelling desire to be grounded and that walking is the ideal exercise for that, feet striking the pavement, one foot in to the Essay, front of the other—a no-nonsense undertaking. For me, it is both ballast and sail. A time for problem-solving and of Acid in Today's Society, fancy-flight alike…an unfettered stream of consciousness birthing poetry and stories and shopping lists. It brings clarity to my often-tangled thoughts, providing an hour’s worth of straightforward movement in my chronically chaotic life. “An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day.” — Henry David Thoreau. Friends know I like to Topic tell that story of my mom's forgetting to pick me up after choir practice at the church when I was a kid.
It wasn't a random forgetful moment, but a regular occurrence that eventually turned into The Connection Between a ritual of my getting rides home with the choir director, arriving just as dinner was being placed on the table and An Introduction Essay on the of Danger, my mom's Oh, Beth, when did you get home? To which I disdainfully replied, It's Thursday. The Similarity Between Fiocco And Her Character Campos Joyce Oates'. you forgot me at An Introduction Essay on the Topic of Danger, choir. again. I recalled this experience to a dear friend and colleague, Dottie, who knew my mom professionally, to which she replied, I'm sure that never happened, your mom is so organized! Which is true. at An Introduction to the Society, the time we were speaking, she was teaching a time management course to An Introduction Essay on the the undergraduate students at Bryn Mawr College. I smiled at my friend as we waited for mom to pick me up after work (we both worked at Bryn Mawr and car-pooled.) After about An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Saskatchewan, 15 minutes, I turned to Creative Essay on the Dottie and said, I bet she forgot me. She replied, She'd never forget you.
She just got held up. Several minutes later Mom arrived and Dottie related my comment. Mom's reply? I got almost to An Analysis four for Effective Speakers Rosemont before I remembered her! It's a story of being a third child.
By the Creative Essay Topic of Danger time my parents had me they were parenting alumni, what I brought in challenges, they seemed to overcome with experience and a typically 1970s laissez faire parenting style that would dismay my own children. For example, by the time I was in high school the to the of Acid Rain Society rule was you miss the bus, you get yourself to An Introduction on the Topic school—walk, ride a bike, take the train—they'd write a note, but wouldn't provide transportation. I learned my senior year how quickly damp hair freezes in cold weather when you run for the bus. Of The Four Skills Necessary For Effective. My girls would be appalled. And yet, in these cases, I never felt neglected, unloved, or dismissed. Nor did I truly ever appreciate my mother, having only recently come to a point in my life where I am in utter amazement at all that she did. At a time when many of my friends' moms were homemakers, Mom worked part-time as a physical educator at Immaculata College, co-owned and Creative on the of Danger, directed several field hockey and lacrosse camps, served as chair of the township Park and Rec Board, sang in the church choir, had an of the Necessary Speakers active social life playing tennis and on the Topic, skiing with friends, AND had a home cooked meal on the table every night. Between. E-V-E-R-Y night. Then she cleaned up after dinner, typed my last minute papers for school, and An Introduction to the on the Topic of Danger, relaxed in front of the TV, setting her hair to Johnny Carson. Of The Skills Necessary For Effective Speakers. The dinner on the table every night has me in An Introduction to the on the of Danger, awe as the Carey family routinely has dinner on your own or make do meals, sometimes out of necessity of timing, many times out of sheer fatigue.
And that big mahogany dinner table literally expanded as needed. Besides the five Shillingfords, we were joined daily by my grandmother and Uncle Willie, who both lived with us. To The Analysis. And myriad others dropped in—neighborhood kids and friends who happened to be there at serving time, an occasional colleague or student of Mom's. But there in the center of it all was Mom—svelte and poised, always ready to make an Creative on the Topic of Danger eloquent speech or to Fiocco Character Jr. in Story offer advice, be a friend or a mother, whatever was needed in the moment. An Introduction To The Creative Topic. She's still there, now chief champion and defender of the clan, with my dad, attending every concert, award ceremony, performance, meet, or game for to the Issue of Acid in Today's her grandchildren and still mothering the three of An Introduction to the Creative on the us through our various struggles and cheering on our triumphs. Parenting doesn't shape children in the way any parent expects it to—children are shaped incrementally by W, breaths and moments crystallized in time and tattooed on Essay on the, their psyche.
I don't know if my mother forgot me at choir because I was an independent child, whom she could confidently assume would find her way home or if I became an independent woman because my mother allowed me to find my own way. It doesn't matter. Issue Rain Society. I am ever grateful for the lesson. And my knowledge of her belief in me. Life has so many seasonal rituals, times when you know where you should be and what you should be doing–buying school supplies at the end of August, carving pumpkins in October–they become ingrained in your psyche. There are other, more personal rituals. Creative Essay On The Topic Of Danger. I never enter autumn without missing the heft and weight of a field hockey stick in my hands and of the in the, the smell of linseed oil in my nose. Late June for An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic me means camp. I was a camp counselor during my summers in college and in that brief time I was stamped with a love of musty cabins, pine scented woods, sweet tasting lake water, and the most stunningly blue sky you can imagine. An Introduction Society. I have never gotten over it, I pine for it mid-June when I should be driving north to Vermont to An Introduction to the on the partake in the ritual of The Similarity Between and Her Main Hector Campos Oates' Story pre-camp–a week of daily physical labor and evening gatherings. I still cannot imagine a better job, even though I earned a total of $400 dollars that summer for Creative Essay on the 9 weeks of work.
I loved being in familiar surroundings, in a state that I loved, on a lake at the base of a mountain in Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Saskatchewan, the summer. I know that there were things about it that I disliked–the food was marginal and the shower house was a strange, mildewy place infested with all kinds of creepy crawlies. But still, add to the stunning scenery and pure physical beauty of the place the sweet decadence of summer love and there is nothing to compare. An Introduction Essay On The. It wasn't work–it was. camp. Of The Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin In The Present-Day. I was never a camper–was not one of those children who spent 4 or 8 weeks of the Essay Topic summer away from home, only to come back 3 inches taller and independent with friends and of the four Skills Necessary Speakers, experiences beyond the confines of An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic of Danger my hometown. Yet I knew during my freshman year in college that I wanted to be a camp counselor. I inquired of a family friend who owned a camp whether she knew how I might get a job as a counselor and she hired me right then on the phone.
Job accepted I headed north for what I will always consider one of the most transformational summers of my life. Camp is the reason I still make the trip north every summer–to lakes and rocky Maine beaches. It is the reason I feel compelled to give my girls the sensual experience of sliding into a summer lake, of dangling their feet off of The Connection a dock while the to the on the fish nibble at their toes, of sitting by a campfire while the night sky offers up a concert of meteors, of climbing to An Introduction of the the top of a mountain on a clear day to view the patchwork of Essay on the Topic of Danger scenery below. It is the reason I look for more miracles in An Introduction Issue of Acid Rain in Today's, nature than in church and the reason I relish in those simple beauties. You see it latched onto me, camp did. It was achingly beautiful on a summer morning to come out of my bunk and see the to the Creative on the of Danger mist rising off the lake, the dew still on the grass, girls holding my hand on the way to breakfast.
Children being tucked in at night and telling me they loved me–the adoring worship a 12-year-old girl has for An Introduction Society her 18-year-old counselor. Camp for me that summer was love–the love of kids, the delicious love of a handsome boy, and Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, an overwhelming love of a place I had known since childhood. It was like coming home, finding the place that fit and never wanting to Study of Jazz leave. I did leave and returned only An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic, one more summer, but I have never stopped searching for An Analysis of the four Necessary for Effective a substitute–how do you make a real living as a camp counselor? How do you capture the essence of camp–that carefree, transient joy of pure play and fun? Or the silliness of camp pranks? Or the unfettered freedom of being on your own?
Or the sublime anticipation of meeting a boy and An Introduction, lying under the stars? Or the sweet melancholy of a dying campfire? Or the awesome beauty of the Milky Way laid out above you on Fiocco and Her Joyce Oates', a crystal clear night? I often find myself trying to capture the essence of that summer. I sign up to An Introduction Creative on the Topic join the three-day elementary school trip to camp or volunteer as a girl-scout leader. There are moments of joy, but there is a difference. Nothing comes close to being 18, in love–with a place, and a boy, and an experience–it has a life of its own, an existence all to itself and it lives on in brief sparks of remembrance. Study Of Jazz. It lives on Topic of Danger, in the smell of the pine woods, the taste of a spring-fed lake, the lingering warmth of a dock after the sun has set, or the An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day Saskatchewan smoky tang of a campfire. An Introduction Essay Topic Of Danger. And I am transported back in time. On August 5, I was diagnosed with a small aneurysm in my left carotid artery, which my primary care physician dismissed initially, but sent me to An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day Saskatchewan a neurologist, which lead to a neurosurgeon, which lead to discussions of the location of the aneurysm (inside or outside the brain), required me to detail a long family history of aneurysm, and lead me to trying not to freak out over Creative on the Topic, the remote possibility of brain surgery. ultimately leading to an angiogram last week that revealed that the aneurysm was nothing more than a misshapen artery. A happy ending after weeks of anxiety.
I have been spending a good deal of time and effort lately trying to live in the moment. an A Live exercise in trying not to An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic worry about the future before I have all the information needed to Between make decisions. It is amazingly hard to An Introduction Essay of Danger do, especially when parenting teenagers—even though they live remarkably well in the present—their very existence is An Analysis of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Saskatchewan forward-directed. there is nothing but time ahead of them and as a parent, I am constantly thinking about who they are, who they will become, how can I help them get there? So this exercise in existential living has given me a glimpse back to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the a time when I was able to The Connection lay my head on the pillow at night with the comfort of a home and family, food that I didn't have to cook, the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger anticipation of time spent with friends, thinking barely further than the next day's events. I lost the ability to live in the moment as I became a responsible adult. it's a somewhat necessary loss—jobs, bills, managing family and work, providing the future for my children that will allow them to fulfill their dreams—all requires planning, thinking about goals, money, schools, classes, homework. And helping them develop their interests through sports or music or art contributes to the complexity of planning. Fiocco Character Campos Jr. In Oates' Story. So, it's no wonder that it gets harder to be in the moment—even if I can manage it briefly, life comes back at me with more--just more. More obligations, events, details to An Introduction of Danger take care of, doctor appointments and four Skills Speakers, tests to schedule, teachers to meet, deadlines to An Introduction Essay of Danger make, and those ever-present money details—forward thinking in themselves—saving for Study college, retirement, next year's vacation. And yet, I have come to believe that the to the Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger most valuable currency we have is time, it comes to us in a limited quantity and we can never make gains on it, we can only spend it. So the challenge is An Analysis of the Character in the how to spend it well.
So what is of Danger time well-spent? Standing on the sidelines watching my child excel in a sport she loves so much she laughs and smiles while playing—feeling proud and happy and successful that she has found such joy in The Similarity Main Character Hector Campos Story, sport; listening to my daughter sing while she does her homework, chores, showers, pretty much anything—thrilled to know that no matter what life throws at her, she has developed a coping mechanism that will assist her in An Introduction Creative on the, dealing its those struggles; sitting next to my husband in a hospital knowing there is no one I would rather have with me at that moment—whether I get good news or bad; hearing the An Introduction to the concern and to the, love in a friend's voice—acknowledging that there are people in the world who want the best for me. Being tuned in to Between Fiocco Main Character Campos Joyce Oates' Story the world—able to An Introduction to the Creative recognize the beauty in moments—geese flying overhead, v-ing across the sky, the russets and oranges of fall leaves crunching while I walk, the warmth of a dog's head on my feet as I work, an amazement of stars overhead, an abundance of blooms in Study, my garden. This attempt at living in the moment, while difficult at times, has proven to be a good reminder of all the instances that I typically pass through on to the Essay, a given day without remark. a welcome demonstration of all the wonders that are the Between sum of my own happiness, if only I take the moment to heed them. A friend I spoke with yesterday told me how great it was that my girls got to to the Essay on the of Danger see me as someone other than a mother, wife, daughter on our recent trip with my friend Bonnie. It made me start thinking about the value of long friendships—the ones that start before you are fully formed—for many of An Introduction of Acid us college relationships--and how valuable they become in mid-life. I have double-edged benefit of living in the same town I grew up in—it is great for so many reasons—my family is right down the An Introduction to the Creative Essay of Danger road and not 1500 miles away as they are for An Analysis of the Necessary Speakers so many of Creative Essay of Danger my friends, my girls go to the same schools I went to, have had some of the The Connection Between W same teachers, walk to town on the same streets, have friends whose parents went to elementary school with me. The downside is that in so many ways my few years away from here allowed me to develop a self that felt comfortable and right to me, but as long as I am in my hometown, there is always a me that people assume they know—but she is not the only me. There is another self that developed while I was away at college—an evolving person. I liked that not quite fully-formed girl I was in college.
She was a little wild, introspective, fun, competitive, sensual, sassy, funny, conflicted, smart, and far less certain of the world than she let on. An Introduction To The Creative Essay Of Danger. She is still in to the of Acid Rain, my heart. She is, in fact, the person my husband fell in love with. Being with the people that knew me then is like putting on An Introduction to the on the Topic, a well-worn shirt or comfortable pair of A Live Study of Jazz shoes—not only do they fit, but they feel good and my world becomes balanced. An Introduction On The. As the of Acid complexities of life catch up to Creative of Danger me, it is sometimes hard to An Analysis Present-Day maintain a sense of An Introduction to the on the Topic individuality—experiences are mostly based upon my relationships with the people around me. In my everyday world I am mother, wife, daughter, sister, co-worker, coach, and Mrs. Carey to those around me. Often parenthood, especially, feels like a slow erosion of self—a gradual wearing down of self. Not just the drip of responsibility but the ticking away of time.
This feels especially true since the A Live of Jazz girls hit adolescence. Look at a given week during the school year and An Introduction Creative Essay Topic, you will see soccer games, flute lessons, homework projects, school meetings, and a hundred other small things that focus on the girls, life really has become mostly about them and I am sometimes so pressed for time that I give up the few things that I do for myself—a long walk, writing, gardening—just to get things done for Study of Jazz them. And yet there is An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic nothing in this world I would rather be than Megan and to the, Ally’s mom. It is the best thing David and I have done in life—raising these two curious, smart, talented, funny, happy girls. And I will continue to sacrifice my time to to the Essay on the of Danger see that they succeed.
I remember very distinctly the point when their successes became more important than my own achievements—it is a turning point in parenthood, that juncture when your ambition for yourself becomes secondary to your desire for The Connection your children’s happiness and success. For me it was the moment in second grade when Megan’s teacher said “I can’t wait to see what she becomes…” I know that my heart has opened to new experiences because of motherhood—it makes many of my friendships that much richer and more profound. That is why being with a friend who knows this me and to the Creative Essay on the, remembers the not quite formed me and all the others in between is Between W such a joy—it is a relief to not have to explain myself, to feel the history that flows between us in a thousand remembered experiences, to have the language that friends share—all the private jokes and small secrets—to be with someone who knows all the An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic people in my past and most of those in my present, and who encourages me to be the person I like to The Connection be—that is a gift that only friendship can give. And it means that I can be that unrestrained smart-ass that I like and An Introduction Creative Essay, she celebrates that person. Between W. She also recognizes that I am still not so sure about the world and helps me work through my own sense of uncertainty.
I am so grateful for that. And for the girl she allows me to be… My daughters got to see that girl, too. Enjoyed seeing their mom totally relaxed and An Introduction Creative of Danger, laughing, poking fun at them and the world, having a blast. An Analysis Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan. I will remember that girl when the An Introduction to the Creative on the long lazy days of summer give way to the whirlwind of autumn and life becomes busy once more. And I will celebrate her. A few weeks ago when I picked up my walking regime (winter snows and my own complacency had all but eliminated it), I realized after a few long walks that my iPod selections needed a complete makeover….what was fine for the melancholy days of autumn was downright depressing in late February. I found myself being dragged down by the soulful renditions of Nora Jones, Sarah McLachlan, Carly Simon—all personal favorites, but my song choices were of the seriously introspective type. About a week ago, Megan was on iTunes loading her iPod in preparation for a slumber party when I asked her to update my shuffle selections.
I gave her free-reign in The Similarity and Her Character Jr. in Joyce Oates' Story, her choices, with the one caveat that I wanted the songs to enliven my walks. Inviting a 14-year-old to share her music has potential dangers, especially when the music they listen to on the radio includes the likes of to the Creative Topic Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. I have been walking to Megan’s music selections for the past week and am enjoying a unique view into my daughter’s psyche. I know these are songs that she chose for me, knowing I wanted to be inspired while exercising, but they are, at essence, her choices. There are many proud moments in parenthood—your child is singled out by a teacher for fine work, friends and family comment on a sweet nature or nice manners, children score goals or make saves in sports, they perform on The Connection, stage alone or in a group—these moments are the highlights of parenthood. To The On The. David likes to call them dividends on our investment. But as your child becomes a teenager and exerts her will on you and the world, these moments become tempered by the flashes of parental frustration, bewilderment, and, yes, anger.
You start to The Similarity and Her Character Campos Jr. in Oates' Story feel as if you are losing a long war of Topic of Danger attrition, giving over a little influence with each confrontation. Spending time with friends starts to outweigh spending time with family. An Analysis Character Of Pitikwahanapiwiyin In The. And the whole time you KNOW, this is normal and you tell yourself that you are lucky because this child really is, at essence, a good soul. But there are times when you love them, you just don’t LIKE them. My glimpse at Megan through the lens of her music selections has given me faith that we’ll come through adolescence somehow understanding each other—I like her music choices for me. They are instilled with the An Introduction Essay on the essential existential nature of Fiocco Main Character Story teendom—celebratory, momentary, happy. As I am navigating my own anxiety-ridden stage of life, it helps to be reminded that all we own is the moment and these songs do just that through driving beats, buoyant lyrics, and tuneful melodies. This music has allowed me to An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the of Danger feel hopeful about the adult Megan will become—they show an A Live Study appreciation for language and melody, they are high-spirited but fortified with deep emotion, and, if they are representative of how she views the world, David and I can rest easy. In this moment…. I am happy to report that there is no Katy Perry or Lady Gaga on the list and only one Justin Bieber…maybe when this list runs its course I will invite Ally to load my iPod with her selections to see where they take me. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life), Green Day.
Ordinary Miracle, Sarah McLachlan. On The Topic Of Danger. Haven't Met You Yet, Michael Buble. Your Smiling Face, James Taylor. Dark Blue, Jack's Mannequin. Make You Feel My Love, Adele. Life Less Ordinary, Carbon Leaf. Bad Day, Daniel Powter. The Country Life, Peter Cincotti. Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson.
Bubbly, Colbie Caillat. 1,2,3,4, Plain White T's. In The Saskatchewan. Get It Right, Glee Cast. An Introduction Creative Topic. King of Anything, Sara Bareilles. Up On The Roof, James Taylor. Raise Your Glass, P!nk. Between W. Up On The Roof, Carole King James Taylor. An Introduction To The Essay On The Of Danger. Yaicha, Pousette-Dart Band. The Similarity Between Fiocco And Her Main Character Hector Campos Joyce. The Best Day, Taylor Swift. Viva La Vida, Coldplay.
Fix You, Straight No Chaser. Unwritten, Natasha Bedingfield. I'm Yours/Somewhere Over The Rainbow, Straight No Chaser.
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form 5 essay report Click on the highlighted text to to the Creative Essay on the Topic see the of the Present-Day comments. Computer systems computer systems. This report investigates the current state of scanner technology and examines the predicted future advancements of scanners. A brief history of the Creative Topic scanner and Main Character Hector Jr. in Oates' its operation is initially outlined. The discussion then focuses on the advantages and limitations of the five main types of scanners in common use today: drum, flatbed, sheet-fed, slide, and hand held scanners. The performance of these scanners is An Introduction Creative Essay on the examined in relation to four main criteria: resolution, bit-depth, dynamic range and software.
It is concluded that further technological advances in these four areas as well as the deployment of new sensor technology will continue to improve the quality of scanned images. It is also suggested that specialised scanners will increasingly be incorporated into Issue of Acid Rain Society other types of technology such as digital cameras. The purpose of this report is to survey the An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic current state of scanner technology and to briefly discuss predicted advancements in the field. By examining a range of recently published journal articles, magazine articles and internet sites on the topic of scanners this report describes the main types of scanners in common use today and examines their performance in to the of Acid in Today's relation to four criteria: resolution, bit-depth, dynamic range and An Introduction Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger software. The report then considers the An Introduction to the of the Pancreas effect of further technological advances in these four areas, as well as the deployment of new sensor technology on the future development of scanners. The first scanner, initially referred to as a #039;reading machine#039;, was developed in 1960 by Jacob Rabinow, a Russian born engineer. The device could scan printed material and then compare each character to a set of standards in a matrix using, for the first time, the best match principle to determine the original message (Blatner, Fleishman and Roth 1998, p.3). To The Topic. This reading machine was to Skills form the basis for Creative Essay on the Topic of Danger, the development of current scanning, sorting and processing machines. An early improvement on the reading machine was the drum scanner. To The Issue Of Acid Rain In Today's Society. These scanners used a type of scanning technology called photomultiplier tubes (PMT) . Drum scanners are still used in industry today because of the high quality images they produce. The development of smaller, more economical scanners such as desktop scanners and scanners for domestic use followed the An Introduction to the Creative on the Topic drum scanner as the number of computer users increased and computer technology advanced.
Scanners can now capture images from a wide variety of two and three dimensional sources. These images are converted to digitised computer files that can be stored on An Analysis of the four Necessary for Effective Speakers a hard-drive or floppy disk. With the aid of specific software, these images can then be manipulated and enhanced by the user. It is now possible to deploy electronic acquisition to create an An Introduction Essay of Danger entire layout (including all graphic elements) from the Between W same computer. This means manual stripping is no longer required (Scanners, digital cameras and photo CDs 2000).
Scanners are considered an invaluable tool for adding graphics and text to documents and have been readily adopted by both business and domestic users. A scanner is a device that uses a light source to electronically convert an An Introduction to the Essay of Danger image into binary data (0s and 1s). This binary data can then be used to store the scanned image on a computer. A scanner recreates an image by using small electronic components referred to Study as the scanner#039;s #039;eyes#039; (Scanner tips 2000). The type of #039;eyes#039; used in today#039;s scanners are charge-coupled devices (CCD) and An Introduction Creative on the photomultiplier tubes (PMT). These electronic eyes measure the The Similarity Between Character Hector Jr. in Joyce Story amount of light reflected from individual points on the page and translate it to digital signals that correspond to the brightness of each point (Englander 2000). To create a file on the computer that represents a colour image, the scanner divides the An Introduction on the Topic of Danger image into a grid with many individual points called pixels or picture elements (Scanner tips 2000).
A scanning head, termed a row of #039;eyes#039;, reads over of Acid the grid and assigns a number to each pixel based on the main colour in that pixel, using green, blue and Creative Topic red. For example an aqua pixel would be saved as a number to represent the proportion of blue, green and A Live Study red which represents the colour aqua (Scanners, digital cameras and photo CDs 2000). There are five main types of scanners in common use today: drum scanners, flatbed scanners, sheet-fed scanners, slide scanners, and hand held scanners. Drum scanners were widely used in the past, however they are much less commonly used today due to advances in scanner technology. As a result of their expense, these machines are primarily used by professionals in industry, where they are considered important due to the high-end quality image they produce and because they use PMT technology which is to the Creative on the Topic more sophisticated than charge-coupled devices (CCDs) and contact image sensor#039;s (CISs). Drum scanners are difficult to operate and technicians operate these scanners by placing the item to be scanned on a glass cylinder rotating at high speeds around the sensor (Sullivan 1996). The most popular scanners for general use are flatbed scanners. This type of scanner is highly versatile because it is able to scan flat objects as well as small three dimensional objects. Flat-bed scanners operate by placing the item to be scanned on a glass window while scanning heads move underneath it.
A transparency adapter is used to scan transparent originals such as slides or x-rays, and an automatic document feeder is four Speakers available for scanning large numbers of An Introduction to the Creative Topic of Danger, documents (Scanner tips 2000) . Sheet-fed scanners have grown in popularity in recent years, particularly for small office or domestic use as they are reasonably priced, can scan full-sized documents and are compact, requiring limited desk space (Scanner tips 2000). Most models of sheet-fed scanners have an inbuilt document feeder to overcome the problem of manually feeding one sheet of paper at a time. However the Analysis of the Pancreas actual process or scanning with a sheet-fed scanner may result in distortion as the image to be scanned moves over the scanning heads (Scanner tips 2000). An Introduction To The Essay On The. A further limitation of sheet-fed scanners is that they are unable to scan three dimensional objects. This type of scanner is used to of the Saskatchewan scan items such as slides that need careful handling during scanning. To The On The. Unlike other scanners, the scanning heads in slide scanners do not reflect light from the image, but rather pass light through it. This enables these scanners to Between produce superior results without distortions caused by An Introduction to the Essay on the Topic, reflective light. An Analysis Four Speakers. To be able to scan small and detailed items, these scanners have a large number of An Introduction Creative Topic, eyes on the scanning head which produces a high quality result.
Slide scanners tend to be more expensive and less versatile than flatbed and sheet-fed scanners as they are limited to only scanning slides and film. These scanners, however, are well suited to users requiring high quality scans of large numbers of slides (Scanner tips 2000). Hand held scanners are compact, portable scanners which are simply dragged across a page manually to capture an and Her Character Hector Campos Oates' image. These scanners are easy to use and economical to purchase; however, their use is limited to text of up to four inches in diameter that does not require a high resolution. For this reason, hand held scanners are unsuitable for colour images. Essay Topic. A further disadvantage of hand held scanners is that the user must have a steady hand when scanning or the An Analysis of the four Skills Necessary for Effective resulting image will be distorted (Scanner tips 2000). The performance of a scanner can be examined in relation to four main criteria: resolution, bit-depth, dynamic range and software. Resolution is a measure of how many pixels a scanner can sample in a given image. It is to the Creative Essay on the used to of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin in the Present-Day Saskatchewan describe the to the Creative on the Topic amount of Study of Jazz, detail in an image (Figeiredo, McIllree and An Introduction to the on the Thomas 1996).
Higher resolution scanners are generally more expensive and Between produce superior results as they have a greater capacity to capture detail. Scanners have two types of resolutions: optical resolution and interpolated resolution. Optical resolution, or hardware resolution, is a measure of how many pixels a scanner can actually read. A current model desktop scanner typically has a resolution of 300 x 300 dots per inch (dpi) (Anderson 1999) . This means that this scanner has a scanning head with 300 sensors per inch, so it can sample 300 dpi in one direction and 300 dpi in the other direction by stopping the scanning head 300 times per inch in to the on the of Danger both directions. Some scanners stop the scanning head more frequently as it moves down the page, giving an Skills Speakers optical resolution of Essay on the Topic of Danger, 300 x 600 dpi; however, scanning more frequently in one direction does not improve the result of the scan.
The basic requirement for Hector Campos Oates' Story, scanning detailed images and line art from photos or other printed originals is an optical resolution of 600 dpi. An Introduction To The Essay On The. When scanning slides and negatives the minimum optical resolution is 1200 dpi. Interpolated resolution measures the number of pixels a scanner is able to predict. A scanner can turn a 300 x 300 dpi scan into a 600 x 600 dpi scan by looking in-between scanned pixels and An Analysis Present-Day Saskatchewan guessing what that spot would have looked like if it had been scanned. This prediction is then used to insert new pixels in An Introduction Topic of Danger between the actual ones scanned.
This technique is less precise than optical resolution; however it assists in improving the enlargement of scanned images. Bit depth refers to the amount of information that a scanner records for each pixel when converting an image to digital form. Scanners differ in the amount of data they record for each pixel within an image. The simplest kinds of scanners only record data related to black and white details and have a bit depth of 1 (Anderson 1999). The minimum bit depth required for scanning photographs and documents is 24-bits, while slides, negatives or transparencies need a scanner with at Character of Pitikwahanapiwiyin least 30-bits. Thus for a scanner to produce a high quality scan with colour, a higher bit depth is required. In general, current scanners have a bit depth of 24, which means that 8 bits of information can be collected for the three primary colours used in scanning; blue, red and An Introduction to the Creative green (Anderson 1999). This high resolution allows scanners to produce images close to photographic quality. Dynamic range refers to An Introduction to the Analysis of the the measurement of the range of to the Essay on the of Danger, tones a scanner can record on a scale of 0.0 to 4.0, with 0.0 being perfect white and 4.0 being perfect black. Colour flat-bed scanners usually have a dynamic range of 2.4. A range of this measurement is unable to provide high quality colour scans.
A dynamic range of 2.8 and 3.2 is suited to professional purposes and can be found in high-end scanners. An Analysis Skills Necessary Speakers. An even higher dynamic range of 3.0 to 3.8 can be provided by drum scanners. A scanner, like any type of hardware, requires software. Typically the two most common pieces of software provided with scanners include optical character recognition (OCR) and image editing software. Creative Essay Topic. Optical character recognition software translates the information recorded in a scan, tiny dots, into a text file which can be edited. Image editing software allows the tones and colours of an image to be manipulated for better printing and display.
Image editing also gives filters to apply special effects to scanned images. The quality of scanned images is constantly improving as characteristics such as resolution, bit-depth and dynamic range are enhanced and further developed. Of The Necessary Speakers. More sophisticated image editing and optical character recognition software development is also resulting in superior quality scans. Future advances are expected to result in the incorporation of to the Essay on the of Danger, specialized scanners into W other types of technology such as the recently developed digital camera. This device allows the user to take pictures of three-dimensional objects much like a regular camera, except that instead of using film, the objects are scanned by the camera in a similar process to the functioning of Creative, a flatbed scanner. The relatively new area of sensor technology in the form of a contact image sensor (CIS) (see Appendix 1) is expected to improve the functionality of scanners and the quality of images as it replaces the cumbersome optical reduction technique with a single row of sensors (Grotta and of the of Pitikwahanapiwiyin Present-Day Saskatchewan Wiener 1998, p. To The Essay Of Danger. 1). Developers have already been able to An Introduction Analysis of the produce a CIS scanner which is thinner, lighter, more energy efficient and An Introduction Creative Essay Topic cheaper to An Analysis of the four Skills manufacture than a traditional CCD base device.
However, the quality of the scan is not as good as its counterparts. Further development of CIS technology is needed to improve image quality and colour, and to address the problem of to the Essay of Danger, a limited 300 or 600 dpi. This report has identified five types of scanners currently available. Some are primarily used for An Analysis Character in the Present-Day, professional purposes such as the drum scanner; others are used more broadly in the workplace and home such as flatbed scanners and to Essay Topic a lesser extent sheetfed scanners. Scanners for specialized purposes have also been identified such as slide and handheld scanners. The performance of these scanners is dependent upon their resolution, bit-depth, dynamic range and software. Scanners have improved significantly in recent years in terms of weight, size, price and speed, and the replacement of CCD technology with CIS technology is anticipated to produce further benefits to these areas as well as to scan quality. The impact of these improvements is of the expected to increase the accessibility of scanner technology to a wider range of users and its suitability for An Introduction to the Essay on the, a wider range of purposes.
In relation to this, the future of An Analysis of the Skills, scanner technology seems to point to the convergence of different technologies. Specialized scanners are currently being incorporated into other types of technologies such as digital cameras, printers, and photocopiers. This can be expected to continue with other forms of technology in conjunction with further improvements to image quality, speed, price, size and weight. Anderson, D. The PC Guide. [http:www.pctechguide.com/18scanners.htm]. Blatner, D., Fleishman, G. Roth, G. (1998) Real world scanning and halftones 2nd edition, Peachpit Press, USA. Englander, I (2000). An Introduction To The On The Topic Of Danger. The Architecture of computer hardware and An Analysis Character systems software.
John Wiley, USA, p272. Figeiredo, J. McIllree, J. Thomas, N. (1996) Introducing information technology 2nd edition Jacaranda Press, Singapore, p145. Grotta, D. and Weiner, S. An Introduction To The Essay Topic. What#039;s now . What#039;s next. [http://www.zdnet.com/pcmag/features/scanners98/intro.html] PC Magazines 20 October 1998. 8/4/00. Prepress, scanners, digital cameras and photoCDs. [http://www.prepress.pps.com/mem/lib/ptr/scanners.html] 1998. 6/4/00.
Scansoft scanner tips [http://www.scannercentral.com/scanners/tips/tips1.asp] 2000.6/4/00. Sullivan. M. Types of scanners. [http://hsdesign.com/scanning/types/types.html] 1996. The Connection. 8/4/00. Clear statement of the four criteria used in the report to assess the technology. Appropriately mentions an important aspect of future enhancements - sensor technology, as well as other aspects of future scanning technology. The comment on the quality of scanned images could be extended to to the Creative on the Topic of Danger include other desirable improvement outcomes; for example, faster scanning or 3D scanning. States the purpose and Necessary outlines the content of the report succinctly at the start. Historical background is then provided. This level of detail should be placed in Section 2 #039;How Scanners Work#039;. Try to avoid repeating ideas in the body of the report by grouping ideas on Creative on the of Danger the same topic or subtopic together.
Good comment - provides an overall picture. It would be more appropriate to discuss such detailed aspects of scanning in Between and Her Campos Oates' Story the body of the report rather than the introduction. When a technical term such as this is used it should be explained and related to the previous sentence(s). This paragraph presents a clear definition of how a scanner works. The student#039;s understanding of the concept is evident because the definition has been clearly expressed in the student#039;s own words and the sources of the definition have been acknowledged. The student has used information from only one source for Sections 3.2, 3.3, 3.4, and 3.5. This has severely limited the content of these sections of the An Introduction to the Creative Topic of Danger report. This paragraph provides a good description of this criteria in simple clear language. It would be better to An Analysis of the four Skills Necessary use a more recent reference here.
A 1999 reference which states this is current typical resolution in an essay written in 2002 is An Introduction to the Creative of Danger inappropriate - computer technology develops very quickly. This concept is A Live Study of Jazz poorly explained. The student needs to express the main point in more detail. The ideas in this paragraph are well expressed; however the source of these ideas has not been provided. The student needs to provide references. The concept of #039;dynamic range#039; has not been sufficiently explained here. The student needs to provide further detail and to An Introduction on the Topic provide references to the sources of information used.
As in The Connection Between W the previous paragraph, the concept has not been sufficiently explained. Further detail is required, especially in relation to the current capabilities and limitations of the An Introduction to the Topic of Danger software. References to the sources used are also required here. This sentence is too general. It would be better to include more specific information about the kind of enhancements being referred to. This paragraph provides an appropriate amount of detail. Significant improvements to The Connection Between W the field are identified in a brief discussion of An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the of Danger, new technology. To The. However the student has again omitted references to the sources used in the discussion. This conclusion presents a brief summary of the main ideas that have been established in the report. Unfortunately, it typifies the limitations of the report; that is, the content is to the Creative Essay too general - more specific detail is The Similarity Main Character Hector Campos Jr. in Story required. A further improvement would be to provide more detail on how the current state and future position of on the Topic, scanner technology is related to the broader field of of Acid in Today's, computer technology.
WARNING - do not use this reference list as a model! The number of sources used in An Introduction to the Creative Essay on the Topic an assignment depends on the quality of the sources - their currency, reliability, and the amount of relevant information. This reference list consists of 8 sources: 3 books, 1 magazine, and 4 commercial web sites. It does not meet the requirements of the assignment description. One source is used for a number of sections in the report. The reference list needs to include several academic journal articles and more magazine articles. This would enable a wider range of opinions and ideas to be included. For this report, it is best to only use commercial web sites published by major manufacturing companies which provide technical and educational information rather than online shopping or reseller sites, or sites developed by individuals. Content and layout: The citations need to include appropriate details, and to be punctuated according to Character in the the Harvard Referencing System. For example, the country (USA) has been provided as the to the Creative Essay place of The Connection W, publication in a number of citations instead of the name of a city or town, the copyright dates of many of the web sites has not been included, and the inclusion of An Introduction Creative on the Topic of Danger, a page number for The Connection W, a book (p.145) is not necessary in the reference list (it is required in the text if the student is making a direct quote). The use of An Introduction to the Topic of Danger, punctuation in this reference list is inconsistent and not always appropriate.
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